Don't Look Back 1

[Zues126]

Zues, I hear you and respect your opinion. And I know that I would have NEVER walked away from my M, even though I can often identify with the WAWs here. Never.

Thanks Sunny. I appreciate your understanding I wasn't arguing, just expressing my beliefs. And your commitment to M is inspiring. I believe you, and it's assuring to know there are women out there that feel this way. I may be working on Zues 2.0, but no matter how much I grow I would imagine there are times my future partner will feel this way. I hope I can find someone that is willing to remain committed.

I think about the old days, how you'd hear of marriages where one partner stayed through infidelity, alcoholism, unemployment, gambling addictions, physical abuse, etc. Now, I am glad that things have progressed to where women (or men) don't feel trapped in a dangerous relationship and this is a serious issue. But I think the D rate is serious as well in it's own way, and I admire spouses that stay with their partner through some of these other character flaws.

My good friend has a W who is a compulsive gambler which has lead to lying, stealing, embezzlement and termination of employment, and a withdrawal from any type of mature M. He has been by her side the entire time. 5-10 years of progressive issues. He only talks to me about it because he says everyone else kept telling him to leave her. Guess what? She's in GA treatment now for 90 days and they're working together more closely than ever before. THIS is marriage in my mind. True, they don't all work this way, and maybe she relapses, etc. But even still...that's life. God doesn't owe us a perfect partner. We're blessed to have a partner, and our job is to support and love them, whatever we get in return is a GIFT, not an entitlement. Getting a D in my book should be as rare as voluntarily placing your growing kids up for adoption or putting them in foster care.

However, in my friend's case, I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not a matter of how they are treating each other, it's a matter of how he is/isn't leading and providing for their family. It's not about money, it's about leadership. His successful business went down in the recession, and never recovered. He had brilliance, talent, connections people only dream of, and he adamantly refused to use any of it to move on, he stayed on the sinking ship, is there still. His mom is paying the household expenses out of her retirement fund, and he allows that. My friend, the W, has gone to work for the first time in their M life, she travels a lot and has missed the kids recitals, plays, games, and bedtime stories. He still refuses to step up and try something different. My friend received an anniversary present from her H, and he was open that mom bought it. To be clear, it's not about the money, she is totally OK with a modest lifestyle. It's about a man stepping up and doing what it takes to provide for his family, trying something new if what he's been doing for the past 8 years isn't working out, taking the steps to provide for your own and not bankrupt your mother. Really, that's the only issue going on, but in my opinion, it's a pretty big one.

Yup. I can understand the issues here. No easy answers. Clearly this would require a lot of boundaries, some tough love, and no enabling. I would hope she can find ways of restructuring her life to where she is protected from his issues but still leaving a paved road back for when he wants to step up again. To be fair, you said she "felt" like a WAW. There's a big difference between feeling that way and leaving. I don't blame her for feeling that way. I'd hope she doesn't leave, but each to their own. Not everyone feels how I do or we wouldn't have these forums.

Anyway- thanks for talking about it Sunny. You really do give me a lot of hope that the qualities I'm looking for are out there. Take care!