What I'm doing is clearly not working. So I obviously have to change it up... or redefine my objectives. I am trying to process everything you are saying.
One of the lessons in DB, not every sitch is the same right .. Do what works, I detached (well for the most part .. truth is I was/am horrible at it at times.) and started looking at my W less like my W, more like a science project. Keep in mind my sitch is of the MLC variety but the basics are the same.
Originally Posted By: RAI
If by "affaired-down", you mean hunkered down into the affair, then you are absolutely correct.
No, if you research 'Affaired Down' it implies you are the prize here. She picked a goof who does not measure up to you nor what you can provide ... he is the quick feel good drug but you are the steady healthy diet .... currently she is high on him and getting fat off you if you get my drift.
Originally Posted By: RAI
1) What to do when DB advice runs counter to legal advice?
This is no different than when DB advice that counters others advice, your gut, your religious beliefs ... truth is you are driving and in control with what you do. Your lawyer and sis I would assume have your interests at heart, just as your friends .. but typically these are people who are not saving YOUR marriage either. Legally and financially it would have made more sense (and cents) for me to go through and get D, In my heart I could not do this .. my gut .. could not do it. Bottom line its your choice, it truly is.
Originally Posted By: RAI
2) Won't these actions just increase the hostility? as you noted, I am already hostile. Does it not make more sense to just D so I can truly detach?
RAI ... yes they might increase the hostility .. but they will also show you are a man who refuses to live in an open marriage, have your W rub your nose in it as she TM OM in the house you share, ya know .. the same one built around your family .. the very family W is chosing to destroy.
Originally Posted By: RAI
3) No offense, Cali (or anyone else on this board), but it's sometimes hard to take advice from an anonymous individual who is not truly in my shoes. Although I trust you and your motives completely, you don't stand to suffer my consequences. I know I am free to take or leave your advice, but I know you care, so I am asking you: why should I take your advice?
No offense taken .. if anything that's pure honesty and I respect that. Sure no need to take my advice nor anyone elses for that matter, its you who has to live your live and its you who will face the consequences of the choices you make. And often there are conflicting views on what to do what not to do ... again .. YOUR sitch and you have to trust yourself. My motives here are simple, I came here a hurt angry little boy, I was taught by a collection of amazing people here the process of DB, there comes a time when you realize its not so much about saving the M, its saving the individual .... that's the truth, once you become independent regardless of what the WAS does ... seems to change everything. My advice reading your sitch ... you are not going to 'nice' her back.
If you want a D, that's fine .. if you want to continue living in an open marriage .. again your choice, I just do not see anything changing in your sitch until you start actually applying the tactics DB teaches.
Originally Posted By: RAI
Running a 1/2 marathon is NOT more of the same, but for the most part you are absolutely right - I am predictable. I have been thinking long and hard about other GAL activities. Something I always wanted to do. Truth is, I am already pretty content going to movies, going out to eat from time-to-time, and socializing with friends. I don't see myself sky diving, or learning an instrument, or joining a book club. Should I do something just to do it? I really want it to be something that I will enjoy and that will be "me". I really already enjoy the things I am doing now (the running, learning). I know it is more of the same, but I can't think of anything. Any suggestions how to tease out something new?
I am not saying you need to run out and buy leathers and join a biker club (like I did ...lol) But ... ok lets go with what I did over the past year or so.
*Coached S's baseball team *Took a class at Church and went through the RCIA became Catholic *Bought a Harley, go riding often *Joined a Softball team *Joined a Sunday Football team *Met up with friends for dinner/drinks/convo more often *Focused myself more into work, created side projects increased efficiency
Ok .. so those were my golden GAL's ... some I did during the M, most new .. notice a trend .. NONE had anything to do with W's approval nor attempting to win her back .. all for me, made me feel good, a part of something, for ME
Meet-ups are another good thing, maybe try one of those .. no commitment from you .. but a total 180.
Originally Posted By: RAI
No, not just observations. Inherent in your comments is advice. If you give advice, you have an obligation to stand by it. Where are the vets who are going to say: "Cali is right on! You have to start doing things for yourself! Stop leaning on the L and your sister. BE A MAN."? I am scared. I totally admit it. Fear has dominated me for the last 2 years.
Cali, I really appreciated your post. Thanks so much for taking the time. I do hope you will reply.
RAI
I am not saying do not lean on your L nor your Sis ... but yeah .. in a sense ... your L, sis, me .. no one here has to live the life you live, thats you ... are you happy where you are at? If so .. keep on doing what you are doing .. if not .. change it ... its that simple.
Myself .. my W and the A are over ... but I have said these words "I will not finance your A" "The A you are involved with is disrespectful to me, our S, our M, our family, not to mention yours and I will not live in an open marriage" "D is not what I want and though I respect your decision, make no mistake about it, I have no interest in us being friends after it is final, I would never keep a friend who has treated me as you have"
A strange thing happens when you stand up for yourself ... your self esteem builds, your self worth improves and you realize you are the prize, you will be just dandy regardless. Once you feel this ... and set your boundaries on what you will and will not stand for, the WAW may spew and throw a fit .. but they learn to respect you are no longer going to be pushed around.
Read up on Sandis WW threads .. may give you a new perspective.
Stasky's Threads are golden too .. the old ones when he had a different name.
