This place ripken speaks of is somewhere I've been a long time, and its rough. I've been living with W for 5 months now and its a real struggle knowing she may be out with OM at times. For me there hasn't been much cake eating other than communication where I maintain eye contact, validate and just listen. I'm polite for the most part but I rarely initial conversation with her, I let her initiate it. We split bills and for the most part she doesn't let OM have any contact with children. Shes mostly respectful and polite to me, even offering to do nice things at times.
I understand your situation is more complicated and you might have to enforce boundaries. She will likely spew and make you seem like the bad guy to anyone who will listen. However, you know the difference. Shes the one who has to prove shes doing right, but eventually the truth will come out. If you need to be dark right now for your own sanity and so you don't react negatively, then so be it.
I know you don't want to seem like your OK with whats happening or even support it, and I struggle with that feeling also. Being in the "had an awakening and moving ahead of life with or without her" phase makes me very uncomfortable at times.
Basically, the way I see it now. We get to that point where we let go of them and move forward and "have an awakening". They see us as no longer an obstacle in their path to OM. Make no mistake, they see OM as the only path to being happy. If we get in that way we are the enemy. We have to remove ourselves as that enemy so things can play out. Because they will play out regardless. At the end when things do play out, and it will fail, our WAS can then see how wrong they were. They were the enemy all along. If all they can see if us being the enemy then they can never see their role in it. You have to find a place where you can not show your anger anymore and appear as if your moving forward. One day she will think "hey, why is he so happy, maybe I messed up!!".
DB'ing seems to go against what we feel will work, what we feel has been wrong so far, time for something new. My take on this anyway.
And what an excellent take it is. I really feel like you get it. You totally get it. It seems like you have processed it better and are managing better. I think I will have to think of it the way you do, but also start enforcing some more boundaries. I know boundaries are for my protection, but she will see them as me being the enemy, won't she? How do I set boundaries (take away Daddy's credit card etc...) but simultaneously remove myself as the enemy that you described in your post?
