I decided to take charge this morning - scheduled a strategy session for the business at an open work space incubator in town, and I am pretty sure I was in command... at least at the beginning. My being in command is something that used to turn her on, so I did my best. I kept my glasses off unless I needed to read something (my habit of wearing them on the end of my nose is one of her complaints!), I dressed well, and best of all, I was standing by the whiteboard on the wall while she was sitting - reminding her no doubt of my "power days" as a school principal. Definitely created a perceived power differential... and she was looking down, lost, sad about things. Now, this didn't last the whole time... eventually I sat down, and she wanted to go off in a different direction about my making money some other way. But I got things back on topic, drove the car, just generally did all I could to seem confident and in control.
On the way back home, she got all stressed about money again. She wanted to talk about getting the boys moved out, and how we are going to handle things as "roommates" instead of partners with mixed income moving forward. This put a knot in my stomach, anything she says that indicates her desire to separate further does. But I played it cool, said we'd get to those discussions this week. She made a suggestion about an income opportunity she thinks I should pursue, and instead of validating her comment somehow, I countered with a reason why it wasn't viable. So things got a little tense in the car. I need to generate income outside of our business that isn't generating income. I like to think that kind of value will reorient her perception of me. But who knows. Right now, my perception of her isn't so great either.
I wanted to just drop her off and head back out, but I needed to do work on the big computer, so we are in each other's space this afternoon. She has no opportunity to see the OW today, since it's our son's birthday and we have plans. But I know she will be showing her houses tomorrow, probably followed by dinner with her. She's got a big BBQ with the OW and her friends on Saturday. I don't know about Sunday, other than an open house she's hosting. I am making my GAL plans for the weekend, but still. It gets tougher in lots of different ways.
She repulses me as she is now, but I love her so much. It just feels like things are hopeless between us, and that's something I find just so hard to believe.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
