It's your call. What do YOU want? Do you want the right of first refusal to babysit your kids when your wife is out? Do you want to give that right to your wife and/or the OM? Do you have people in your life you would rather have watch the kids? (Like a stable, loving married couple who is on your side?). It's your call.
At this point the shock and disbelief are very powerful. It all seems surreal.
The best advice I can offer, since your wife is living with OM, is make it your goal to get the best divorce settlement financially and best arrangement with the kids that you can.
This [censored] for your kids. You can't control that. This is America in the 21st Century. Your wife has the legal right to ruin your children's lives and explode your family, and there will be tons of books and talk shows that extol the glories of blended families that will lend support to her thinking. I'm sorry. We live in a f*cked up world. You can't control that. You can't control her. It's not fair. Karma isn't instant the way we would like it. It's possible (though statistically unlikely) that she walks off into the sunset with the OM and lives happily ever after. I'm old school and believe in a Judgement Day with a capital J, and have to trust that in the long-run (like eternity), there will be hell to pay (literally). Read Psalm 73 (it's all about how the unrighteous SEEM to prosper). Maybe this will blow up in her face this side of eternity, maybe it won't. AGAIN, you can't control that. If you believe in God, this might be a good time to start trusting him.
You do have control over YOU. That's it. Bed the best dad you can be, be the best man you can be. Learn to enjoy life again. Breathe. There's a whole world out there to be explored and great deeds to be done. Your life isn't over. It seems that way now. But, trust me, it isn't. There are second chapters. As Wendell Berry says, "Practice Resurrection". Don't let your life suck. You have an amazing capacity for love, friendship and success. Start to tap into it
Set firm boundaries. Don't be available to your wife. Let her know, though your actions, that she's losing you. You do her a dis-service to shield her from the consequences of her actions.
This isn't your fault, by the way. Lots of people will tell you to work on yourself and own up to what you contributed to the demise of your marriage. I think that's helpful several years down the line with the benefit of hindsight. What it does right now is blame you for your wife's infidelity and destruction of your marriage. That's toxic. It's crippling. It teaches you to settle for emotional crumbs and play the "pick me" game with a cheating spouse. Don't buy into it. We ALL have stuff to own up to. Look if you were a rage-a-holic or a heavy drinker, or super-anal, get a grip on that and change it. But right now, trust that your wife [censored]. Really she does. A little anger might be helpful right now. Sometimes anger gives us a place to stand when everything around us seems like it's shifting.
Here is my short list of TO DO items:
1. Get the best lawyer you can. Get the best settlement you can. Get the most time you can with the kids. Don't worry how it will affect your cheating wife's psyche. Don't try to win her back through your divorce negotiations. That will make her respect you less.
2. Get yourself a good therapist and work this out.
3. If you don't have a strong community around you, start building one: Church/synagogue, meet-up groups, alumni events, Divorce-Care, etc. You can't go through this alone. Reconnect with friends and family.
4. Do things to take care of yourself: exercise, eat well, take up hobbies that force you to focus (karate, rock-climbing, boxing, etc.).
5. Become bad-a$$. Dig deep and find your inner manhood again. What you are going through is a huge blow to the male psyche. Become the samurai, the road-warrior, the Crusader, etc. you've always dreamed of being. It's a lot more fun than being a cuckold.
6. Limit contact with your wife to details about the kids, finances and the divorce, via text or through a lawyer. She needs to feel your absence. (This may be the only thing you can do to make her think twice). As long as you allow yourself to be seen as plan B, she'll never really consider the consequences of her actions. Act like you are best option for her. One day you'll believe it. Maybe one day she will. No guarantees.
