Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zelda09]

Let's just say I should work for the CIA. Found evidence this morning he used Tinder while we were separated, he met someone while he was up there. Did anything materialize? That doesn't matter now.

Lots more.

Was a bag of mixed up feelings but yeah, eerie timing with my own realization above. And proof of it. He just wasn't that into it anymore. Wanted to talk to me about other people, and was afraid to go after what he wanted. And did kinda try when he came back by his definition.

But I know what I know.
1. We used to love each other very much. He really does have some good things about him. I have some not great things about me.
2. Abusive manipulating immature behaviors were always present from him. Our R was always full of fights. I enabled and contributed. I tried to fix. I was insecure. That was one of his biggest gripes I discovered. That I couldnt 'handle' truth and still be ok about us.
3. He emotionally divorced me 6 mo ago. And then tried to build that bridge back half heartedly. He wrote about me as a fixture, an impersonal pronoun. I think of the time everyone here has spent on these boards. I crossed his mind only when I came home from work.
3.5. The threats of leaving me and wanting to date others was truth rearing its head. For both of us. Just bc he used the truth in those fights doesn't make it any less emotionally abusive or controlling.
4. He used me until he could make his escape. It's ok. Lots of WAS do this. It's not special.
5. I did not meet his emotional needs regardless of what I think about those needs. He wanted more there and thought staying with me and getting EA somewhere else was higher road if he got what he needed.
6. He got real curious about sex with other women. He had no complaints about ours though.
7. It is over in his heart. Aside from anger, he is done. My heart hurts and wants a time machine but I can't live in the past.
8. I can't change him or his behavior and it is unhealthy to beat myself up bc this man fell out of love with me. I never thought I would've seen the day. He used to make me feel so incredibly loved.
9. If it hadn't been that fight it would have been another. He resented me terribly and it was escalating. I can't beat myself up for drawing a line where I should have a long time ago.
10. I have to get on with my life and stop thinking about it all now.