Forgiveness is a tricky concept. In IC, my counselor explains it as "letting go of perceived debts", which makes a lot of sense to me. Right now though, I can't seem to forgive my STBXW and I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm still so angry with her for leaving and moreso angry with myself for making her feel like she had to leave.
My question to you folks is: What are your ideas about forgiveness where DB is concerned? Have you been able to forgive yourself for your own missteps? Have you been able to forgive your WAS's? If so, how have you done it? Any tips?
Last edited by lnlyshp; 05/28/1504:59 AM.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
I'll simply say that, 8.5 months after DB, I've not forgiven anything. I've not forgiven myself for being so deaf to my WW's calls to improve our M. I've not forgiven myself for not learning to be a good H, before it was too late for my M. I've not forgiven WW for talking about S with her friends, but not with me. I've not forgiven WW for falling in love with a fresh face. I've not forgiven her for overlooking the pain it would cause me and the kids.
All I hope now, is that the D process will not bring more things that I will have, one day, to forgive.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
lnlyshp - It took me a long time to get over the idea "that I did this to us." I accepted blame for everything, and unfortunately admitted or accepted guilt for everything. So then I blamed myself for pushing her away and then not following DB principles in moments of weakness. But I did forgive myself. That is life. Experience is always the best teacher, and as long as I learn from the past I am becoming a better person, no matter what the consequences (loosing her love) may be.
As for her, I am still upset with her that I am alone in the house we built, living 1/2 of a life we were supposed to live. However, serenity must guide me and identify that I can't control her or her actions. I must accept it, to move forward. Accept and not blame her.
PS I'm glad you are back.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Resentment from the WAS is HUGE. they hold that grudge like it was something they can not live without. It almost fuels them.
I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven my wife. SHE will not let go of [censored] that happened all those years ago. That is her journey. mine is to move along. I keep hoping though...I thought that was a good thing to have hope.
Mozza, sounds like you and I are in similar places. I loved the bit at the end though about not creating more things to forgive. I think that is essentially the idea behind DB.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
mahhhtt, my friend, it sounds like you are in a peaceful place. Would you say that it was strictly time that lead to you being able to forgive yourself, or your mentality (that I greatly admire)?
P.S. glad to be back
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
I agree. I think the WAS needs some level of resentment to justify their actions (ie - they are the bad guy, not me). For the first few months, I got nothing but icy cold words and looks that could kill.
Now it's almost the opposite. I was peaceful and kind despite the attitude that I was receiving. Now I'm withdrawn and typically angry despite her kind demeanor. I've grown to resent it. I figure it's because I am still holding on to those "debts".
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
