Thanks Cadet. Just reread a lot of DB. This weekend, I allowed myself to get off track. I know everyone says it, but "this is the hardest thing I've ever done".
Last night was as close as I've gotten to getting detachment right. I had no idea when W would be home from "working late", so I just made dinner. She walked in the door as I was finishing up making it. Basically so it appeared that I had dinner ready for her. She said that was sweet of me. I didn't jump down her throat or tell her she just got lucky with the timing even though I wanted to.
During dinner, I didn't talk much. I spoke when spoken to basically, and was very calm and relaxed. W took D2 to bed and I went to the gym. Came back and started reading a book. W came downstairs and I didn't say anything, just kept reading. She then started to talk to me about everyday things. I stopped reading and listened, making eye contact. Again, responding politely to questions.
She began to talk about going to a fancy dinner with her parents for her dad's retirement party. She didn't know if they had high chairs there...I simply said I would watch D2and she could go with her parents. She responded "you don't want to go?" I said simply "given what's going on it doesn't make much sense."
At that moment, I could almost hear and see the emotional shift...the realization in her mind what she has done. This situation she has created. Reality setting in that family events will be different, she will be alone (she can't exactly bring OM to family events). It was amazing how a simple matter of fact answer from me, which drew attention to the consequences of her actions without yelling or accusing or begging changed her ever so slightly immediately. It was like a switch flipped.
After that, she started looking up pictures of us, D2, etc on her phone. She brought up some old memories. Asked me some questions about how she treated me in the past. Again, I provided polite but short answers and made eye contact.
I went up and got ready for bed. She finished getting ready, I simply politely said "goodnight" and went downstairs. (Yes, on the couch - I know, I know...)
About 2inute later, she came downstairs and walked over to me. I asked if she was ok. She said "I just wanted to give you a hug". I said "oh. Thanks." And she hugged me. In keeping with my sense that I blow everything going in my favor, I think I held on to her a little too long and didn't want to let go.
But that hug felt really good.
I'm still hurt. I still hate what she's doing. I'm still ready to leave at any time, but little signs of progress and validation that these DB techniques may just work after all keep me holding out hope.
I know not to read too much into last night. Long way to go, and she hasn't dropped OM yet. But I don't feel quite as miserable today as I did yesterday.
Just asking for prayers that I can stay detached, that I can learn to "let go" when I need to, and keep a positive mind, body, and spirit.
It is sad how good that one little hug feels. That little crumb for a starving husband. Keep that in mind, don't lose yourself in spite of that 'affection' you have been dying for.
I get so lost when she actually comes to me to talk rationally and compliments me and starts crying. How do I deal with this appropriately? I xan't just walk away from that can I? I don't want to be cruel and heartless.
If you're done and want a D then this shouldn't be an issue. I don't see how it's heartless to say "I understand this is painful but these are the consequences of the road you chose, and I agree that it was necessary as our M wasn't good for either of us."
If you don't feel that way and you don't want D but instead want your W to end the A and work on your M...well, filing D as an ultimatum isn't likely to get you what you want.
If you don't have a DB coach I'd get one TODAY. You've been registered here a week and are already taking actions that will have lifelong consequences to your family out of anger. Not the legacy I'd wish for you but that's probably why your W sought out another man in the first place. Up to you if you want to keep on this path or choose another. Good luck.
Hi Ralphy,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. You are off to a great start by reading and rereading DB/DR. Everyone here has been giving you wonderful support and guidance. Listen to Zues126 and begin working with a Divorce Busting Coach. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Didn't sleep much. This is definitely a roller coaster ride isn't it? Trying to breathe and clear the thoughts from my mind. The anger is something I've never really felt before. The hurt just hurts.
This is all starting to affect my mental health. Went to Home Depot yesterday to get three things...when I got there, I couldn't remember two of them. Walked around until I remembered one, but the last item I never got, and didn't remember until I got home.
when I'm driving, roads that I've traveled for years seem new to me. I feel like I'm missing turns, or am farther along the road than I actually am.
I know this is all because I'm distracted, but it's scary.
W came home about 730 last night from "working late". Who knows if it's true or not. I don't challenge it or even acknowledge it anymore.
Appointment with attorney on Tuesday. Just getting my options and rights in line. Who knows if I'll have the courage to file...or maybe it's the courage to NOT file. Either way, this [censored].
Thank you for the coaching session advice. I will take that step when the funds are there. Payday is Monday. I'll see what's left over. Between counseling and some medical bills now, it's just a tough financial time - not to mention trying to save some money to prepare a new life on my own.
This morning I was supposed to take W to the car dealership to get her car serviced. Before we left, we "talked". I let her know that I have an appointment on Tuesday with an attorney to begin the process and figure out my rights. She asked "you're going to an attorney?" I responded "yes" and added that I can't continue to accept OM with no end in sight. I have to look out for me and D2. I told her I wished she would leave the house and that she emotionally left months ago, so why not physically leave.
W decided she wanted to take the car herself and would just sit and wait for it.
Fast forward 5 hours later and I get a text. "It's over. I ended it."
I didn't respond to the text. About 15 minutes later, she cane home. Told me she ended it, and that she did because she didn't want me to go to an attorney on Tuesday.
I told her "I'm sure that was difficult for you to do. It's probably the healthiest choice." She wanted to "talk", but I retold her it wasn't a good time, and she should take some time to digest everything from today.
I'm in a Home Depot parking lot right now typing this.
How do I react? What do I say (if anything)? Any advice on this would be appreciated more than you know.
I need to get this right. I know that a door has been opened, and this is a big turn of events right now. I CAN'T screw this up.
