Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Quickly finding out what it is like to try and date when you have kids and a job; makes is hard to coordinate schedules and find time to get together. Never did have a chance to meet up with the girl I had dinner with two weeks ago. Kind of frustrating, but not too big of a deal. Don't know if there was a connection there or not, but wanted to find out.

Having a slump in my feelings the last couple of days. My oldest's birthday is coming up next week and I have been feeling anger about the D again. I remember last year the feelings we had and the place we were at seemed hopeful. So I think the next week and a half will have me upset as I get through this first b-day while divorced. Just makes me mad not only for me but also for my kids. Not how their lives were supposed to be.

I know the only way to feel better is to live through the experience. I have been talking with a co-worker who D'd 5 years ago and had a similar situation. He said the first of every event is really hard, but I will get through it.

I now need to work through my feelings and anger about this. I have been having dreams about telling XW off and being angry at her. I think it is because of the upcoming b-day.

Right now I feel like her wanting the D and not wanting to work on the M was very selfish, I hate her for that and the ripple effect of pain that it caused. Parts of me feel vindictive and hope that her life turns to crap. Then I wonder if these feelings are me being selfish because I didn't get what I wanted.

My GAL for the upcoming days are go on shopping trip for b-day presents, do golf tournament for work, get camper ready, hopefully go camping for son's b-day weekend.