I've really been focusing letting go. A few days of no contact, not trying get her back with words. But, it's also leading to questions of why I am doing this, and is it all really worth it. I have been over 50 days of no porn addiction or anything associated with it. Makes me feel good, but it also shows that the ither things I lost control on. My anger, drinking when I was younger, my chewing tobacco habit, things like that. It's like I have no self control, but want to try and control everything else. I have never prayed as much as I have recently, for strength and guidance, in everything. I don't want to control the world anymore. It's taken up too much of my life already.
The other night I had my kids, and I was still looking at my phone. Reading stuff on here, or playing games. It's still like I'm just checked out of reality. I have been going home and putting the phone in the bedroom, and just leaving it. This another form of no self control. I can't even put away a simple device to enjoy my time with kids. My back or hip, whichever it is, isn't helping either. I'm trying to get an MRI done to see if they can find the problem, but it's a hassle with insurance and now waiting in imaging place to call. I'm tired of being in pain, and not wanting to do much. I try to just let it go, but if it hurts it hurts.
I do want to let go though. It's tiring and unproductive to be this way around the W, and vice versa. Constant anger, constant distance, it has broken my heart. Everything I did, all the bad stuff, can be explained by my lack of impulse and self control. I want to beat this, everything in my life that's sour. I don't care if she's there or not, I just don't want to be this way anymore. Now if only I had the patients to see the light. One day perhaps I will.
