I have been thinking today that I really need to keep a good distance from H. He is like drinking a very low dosage of poison every time he comes around. It kills me slowly and painfully.
I also notice that this kind of interactions with H make my kids unsure, insecure and kind of hateful too. The fact that they do not want to be with him, is not just that they forgot him. It's because they are hurting and each time H plays happy family it just make things worse.
I don't even know why it hurts so much. Many times in the past, I felt like I had no problem letting go because H was very selfish (in my opinion at least) and I tough I did not need that in my life. Now, I really miss him.
Unfortunately, I have notice that the fact he chose someone else, is so heavy for me. Sometimes I feel like I am obsessing about this. I read a piece of paper where H wrote:
"Is it possible I found the woman of my dreams?" "Is it true that I am the man of her dreams?" "Is it possible that she loves me?"
It is like cutting my heart out. I feel jealous, humiliated, frustrated. Dealing with rejection has been a big deal for me and I get physically sick. And if you ask me, I know I need to let go and think about myself, and build a life for myself and all what I have been learning.
But if I am honest, I feel like I want to scream in his face that it was unfair after all what I went through. I worked hard and kept the family together while he was for 4 and half years doing his masters, building his new career.
And after holding on to the hard times, he just drops the M, his family like it is garbage. I want to walk the road I know best, and that is to hate him and never exchange a word with him, but that is the coward way. That is being my old me and I want to change that behavior.
And I really would like to understand better what is going on with him and there is no logical explanation. It's like you said, if I put some distance and treat him just like a neighbor, then he comes around being the most lovely man and giving me so much attention. Then, as soon as I get more comfortable and closer to him, then he throw in my face that he can't see himself married to me anymore, that we are doing the right thing getting divorced.
Now, what I need is to have some shame in my face. It is almost a year that he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and this stupid game is still happening because I am stupid enough to allow it to happen.
I guess I have a lack of self esteem and no love for myself what so ever. Last Monday was hard, it hurt me a lot. Maybe I can learn the lesson by hurting like this.
I decide to stand up again Toots, it's a new day, I know I can change many things with time and patience. I don't see much hope right now, but I know I am reacting to what he told me on Monday. I am looking at my calendar and trying to figure what I can do for GAL during this summer/school vacation. I need to get very busy.
Love your words, thanks so much for helping me out. I was not feeling too good today.
I am also missing RD a lot, he is someone very special for me.
