I always felt I am somewhat smart and learn stuff pretty easy, but detaching has been a very difficult thing for me.
Despite the fact that H is being a total idiot, repugnant and selfish, I am still thinking about him first, and then about everything else.
I say that I know I need to let go and that I need to have my plans and move forward with life, but I get myself stock on my emotional nightmare.
On Monday, it was Memorial Day Holiday and H came all smiles to the house to prepare branch for his family. It was my older son's birthday (21), the kids made some plans and did not want the breakfast.
They told H about it and did not invite him. Once the kids went to the backyard, H said he was sorry that he took so much of my time on Saturday. I said it was OK, then he start saying that he shouldn't be doing this, but he does it to show how much he cares.
I made this big mistake of saying to him that I also was sorry things between us are like this. That I know what I want and I want my family back, my M back. Then I asked what he wants, since he has all this mixed up messages.
He said that he does not know what he wants but he does not see himself married to me anymore. That many things happen and he is hurt and does not want to go back into the M anymore. That I did many things and the way he react to it and the way I react to the things he did, and that he can't see us together ever again as a couple. That he wants to be my friend forever.
H came and hugged me and cried. I got away and said to him that it will be done soon, that I did not stop the D and soon he will have his life, his freedom. H said that he has his life and has his freedom, that he does not feel he is married anymore.
I went upstairs and dress up nice, then like nothing bad happen, I left with my kids to celebrate S21's birthday and we all kind of ignore H. It is very upsetting, but it is my reality now.
I was doing good, and then I did this, I let him hurt me again. I really, really need to get more and more distance from him.
I realized I have a lot of work to do on myself, and the first one is to get a life. I am trying to stand up for myself, but I am doing everything in a mind set that is ... let's see what happens, instead of just doing things because it is for myself.
You are right and V, your words are very wise. Whatever he does is not my business. H could see that I was pulling off and not there for him, then he comes on Saturday to take the temperature and I fell for it. I was there for him, gave him more attention then what he deserves. Then on Monday, he finds the way to put the knife on my liver again.
Well, I will go again, and each time I think I am learning a little more that I need to let go. I will try to get myself busy, very busy. After some soul searching, I got to the conclusion that the only way to let go is GAL for real.
The busier I am, the easier it gets, so I need to engage in some different stuff. Sometimes it is hard because life is very busy as it is in a routine way. But I need to figure it out how to get myself doing things out of my comfort zone and let go of this maniac H that just wants to hurt me.
I am in search of new things, lets see what I do next.
