So i've been away from the boards for a bit and i can see from the bit of catching up that i've done that the continuing revelations about your H havent eased up any.
I always said i had a different take on your H but even my most naively forgiven version is struggling these days.
Anyway I hope you are ok and you can see your path to better things and a happier life.
(((Vanilla)))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So i've been away from the boards for a bit and i can see from the bit of catching up that i've done that the continuing revelations about your H havent eased up any.
I always said i had a different take on your H but even my most naively forgiven version is struggling these days.
Anyway I hope you are ok and you can see your path to better things and a happier life.
(((Vanilla)))
Jim, can you explain your view?
I value your opinion very highly indeed.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You would want to try to take an objective view of your sitch.
-Is this person I would want to be friends with...nevermind being in an intimate R with as in a M?
Absolutely not. Frankly as I was so inexperienced in this type of R, I feel deliberately misled. H is a compulsive gambler and I was taken for a ride. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There is no redemption here and no future R possible as there will never be any trust. As H revealed his true colours and lost control (thank you DB) then he became increasingly verbally abusive.
-Does this person treat me with respect?
No. I will not drop to his low standards in this as best that I can. I have made the decision that I will treat everyone including H with dignity and respect.
-Does this person support me and put me as the #1 priority?
No he does not, and in truth I believe H should be more self centred and less selfish. Although for a long time he pretended to. I have asked myself if I supported H and treated him as my number one priority. The answer is yes, until the damage got too great and in the end doing so was really unhealthy for both H and I. I am sure that H presents me as the 'bad guy' in all this and that is his choice. His life and I would love him to recover, but it is up to him to do that for himself.
Wonka, I am truly frightened by H and his rants. H is an aggressive and controlling man who has lost control. His brand of control is unpleasant and abusive to me. I do not like his behaviour at all and it makes me anxious. I am detached from him but not the irrationality.
H rang my office today and quizzed my contractors about the BBQ over the weekend. A weekend of GAL for me for my birthday. H asked some detailed questions of them and they were concerned by the nature of them.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/27/1501:20 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am going to go a bit further and ask some difficult questions here.
-Do you want to remain/be married to H? -Do you want to expend the energy in DBing H? -With 20/20 hindsight now, has some of the character flaws remained unchanged in all of the years you've been married to H?
-What are your core values as Vanilla, not as the wife of HName?
-What do you truly want in the second act of your life?
I am going to go a bit further and ask some difficult questions here.
-Do you want to remain/be married to H?
No Wonka. My papers are ready to file. However I still stand for my M and the vows I made.
-Do you want to expend the energy in DBing H?
Wonka, you know I love you dearly. I am DBing myself and standing for my M. For me personally, it has been about my recovery and that journey has only just begun.
So will I expend the energy? absolutely.
In the same way I will continue my GAManon meetings : I am V and my ex H is a compulsive gambler, this is part of my story. I will pay it forward.
Will I love H? absolutely I will, and I hope he will be happy and resolve his issues. It will take more than me DBing this H to do this though. That is OK too.
-With 20/20 hindsight now, has some of the character flaws remained unchanged in all of the years you've been married to H?
H appeared to change the moment we married. Within 3 months he had given up work and received a payoff. That's when his behaviour deteriorated very quickly. Whether that is as a result of his life sitch, his personality or his compulsions is for him to know. I have learned that whatever the cause is, and that bridge is crossed and burned, is irrelevant. I will live a life free of abuse, and frankly if H behaves this way towards someone he claims to love, then it's a pretty poor show. This fat lady has sung "I will not be abused, that is my boundary, you have breached that boundary repeatedly even though it is enforced. Now leave".
-What are your core values as Vanilla, not as the wife of HName?
My core values are simple enough, to be guided by my higher power and to live as spiritually and with love as only I can, one day at a time. To be serene in my 12 steps. I also will take better care of my physical needs, I was granted a beautiful healthy body and mind and it is within my gift to take extreme care of it.
What do you truly want in the second act of your life?
Love, to love and be loved.
Thats generous Wonka, I am moving into my fourth act! I plan to stabilise my Fins and be with my friends and family for a long time.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/27/1501:53 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am going to post some comments from my angelic team about a situation I faced recently and it centers on the theme of radical honesty & truth. I am going to quote here for you as you contemplate how it relates to your situation with H.
You may take it to heart or discard as you see fit. As always, use discernment when you encounter people and situations. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Higher Self is present, activating your powers of reason and intellect. It asks you to develop clarity and objectivity when looking at your life, rather than interpreting events through the murky and distorted waters of emotion. Strive to see the reality of what happened in the past so you can acquire a more accurate understanding of what's going on. You may notice things that make you uncomfortable or challenge your ethics. Ask your Higher Self to give you the courage to stand up for your truth and address difficult situations at their core, rather than distance yourself or pretend you don't see the real problems because they make you uncomfortable. Like the child in the fairy tale "The Emperor's New Clothes", your Higher Self is motivating you to not only see life more deeply, but to also show your perceptions with those around you.
This is the time, for example, to address your unbalanced budget and look for ways to to cut corners. It's also the time to acknowledge your ever expanding waistline and seek out what's really eating at you. This is when you need to step away from your emotions and dispassionately study the problems at hand so that you can come to a solution without blame and projection. Ask yourself what the problem is, not who the problem is. Only then can you begin to find real solutions with productive outcomes. Your Higher Self is sharpening your perception and clarifying your view so that you can make important and necessary changes at this time.
As Carl Jung once said, "When the diagnosis is correct, then healing begins." And your Higher Self's message is: "Look for the truth behind appearances."
This song seems to speak to me about my current position:
Life goes on
You sucked me in and played my mind Just like a toy You would crank and wind baby, I would give you what you wanted You left me lying in a pool of doubt If you're still thinking you're the Daddy Mac You should have known better But you didn't And I can't go back
Oh, life goes on And it's only gonna make me strong It's a fact once you get on board Say goodbye 'Cause you can't go back Oh, it's a fight and I really want to get it right It's my life before me Got this feeling that I can't go back
Wish I knew then what I know now You held all the cards And you sold me out Baby, shame on you if you fool me once Shame on me if you fool me twice You've been a pretty hard case to crack Should have known better But I didn't and I can't go back
Na, an, na, life goes on Na, na, an, na, only gonna make me stronger
Oh, oh yea
Got a feeling that I can't go back
Life goes on
Oh yeah. Life goes on and on and on
Reprise
Gotta go now I am on a run No turning back Gonna make me strong
Gotta feeling that I can't go back No I can't go back Oh yeah
sung by Lee Ann Rimes
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/27/1502:30 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
