Raliced - The Magnificent Seventh

[Underdog]

And I totally agree with you about the forgiveness. I know it in my bones. I know its not good for me, for my health, or for our parenting relationship to hold on to all the anger. Full confession though- I'm a ways off from that right now. Currently, I guess I'm at a place where I am still putting a condition on forgiveness, which is that I need to hear some sincere remorse. First off - I know that's not true forgiveness, and secondly, I know I'm not going to hear that any time soon. So - I'll keep plugging away and hopefully the time will come.

Honest and normal. I hope by now you see that this is a process, and it is not linear and sometimes you find yourself right back at square 1. The only way I made headway was to leave that condition out of it. I literally had to imagine that he had died and wouldn't be around to express remorse. That visualization did help. I literally had to remind myself of my decision every.single.time I went on one of my regularly scheduled internal rants. "Oh yeah, didn't you promise to let that go?" "Oh yeah, I did. Thanks for reminding me."

I'd be good for a few hours and then I would have to remind myself again. Later on, I'd go a month or so and then find myself really angry - I had to journal to figure that out. I realized that I was angriest when I was doing something that he used to do that I hated - like shoveling snow or yard work, or parenting a tough issue where I needed help. It's okay. Just pick yourself up again, brush off the dirt and dust and start all over again. It becomes a habit.

Once I realized that what he said, did or felt didn't matter one bit when it came to free rent inside my head, I made great gains. By the time he expressed any remorse (which took on the appearance of little truth darts), it didn't mean anything to me. I didn't need his input to make myself feel better or happier. Liberating, actually.

Give yourself a big break and then a pat on the back. You do the best job you can do today and then LET GO. It's enough.

BTW,

I was probably a little too quick to just passively think "this is just a rough spot" instead of engaging it head on. And, in fairness to me, I always thought STBX had a similar mindset. Lesson learned.

This is true for me too. Just because my parents put up with passive aggressive fighting and mean spirited nagging doesn't mean that it's right or that it's what should be. Svcks.

Now, back to work here too. I've got some marketing stuff I need to work on. It doesn't come easily to me, so I have to devote quiet time to reflect and plod forward.

TTFN

p.s. Congrats on the newest 2 wheel bike driver in your house! Cheers!