To Pursue or Not #2

[Arcola]

I'm back. Despite my last post, its just overwhelming the feelings I feel from day to day. After discovering WAW being PA with this OM I thought for sure I was hanging it up. I thought not posting here would keep me from having hope. I still read others threads each day, possibly looking for hope, but also hoping that some of the other sitchs I'm current with might reconcile with their spouse.

Not much has changed since discovery of PA. This past weekend I drove out with WAW and kids to her BIL house since D9 would be staying there for a month during the summer. The visit was pleasant. However, I failed at DB principles when it came night time. WAW and I slept in the same bed Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday I tried to have sex with her and Sunday I tried and even asked. Nothing happened I'm thankful for now in hindsight. However, I feel so pathetic. During the moment and even now knowing that I tried. I feel pathetic because I without a doubt know she's in PA with OM but here I am still trying to have sex. I even bought condoms, thinking something might happen. We're still legally married so I want to steer clear of getting involved with someone else. Also, I feel it will greatly impact my decision making going forward with whatever may be the end result of my marriage. The sexual desire is overwhelming. I know it goes against our marriage for me to be involved with another woman, but after my last post, I lost a big chunk of hope. I've recently gained some back, but still the desire to have sexual relations lingers.

On a side note, I had my HIV and STD test done this past Friday, so I'll know if going forward I'm good to go. Per WAW when she told me she had been in PA with OM, she hadn't been PA with anyone else prior us having sex in March.

I furthermore feel pathetic that I went with her to BIL. I wanted to see D9 off, but just being there I felt I was more a cover-up for WAW than anything. BIL and FIL stay directly across the street from each other and are aware that we're separated, but I don't think either of them know WAW is PA with another man. Her BIL is on his soon to be 3rd marriage. He has kids from both previous marriages and seeks to marry and have kids with the current lady he's with. Her father, age 54 or so, is divorced from her mom due to his constant infidelity while they were married. He also has a 13 year old son from a mistress while he was married to WAW's mom. Furthermore, he's divorced from his last wife of about 3 years in which they have a 6 year old daughter and is now seeing a 34 year old divorced woman who has 2 kids. I said all that to say this, despite her family history, WAW is a complete hypocrite when they talk about her father's actions. Pretty much nowadays he pays little attention to his older children, none to his 13 year old son in another state 4 hours away, uses his youngest as a pawn with dealings with his former wife, and is involved with younger women whom are married or not. So in these conversations she's quick to say her father is wrong, but her life is seemingly taking a turn for the same at least with infidelity as I see it.

I've learned through D9 that OM is present around the kids. D9 has shared bits and pieces with me without me even asking. Once in the past I asked about this OM, but have refrained from doing so anymore. From best my knowledge of him, I don't believe he has kids, although I think he is raising or helping raise his younger sister (about 12 years old). It bothers me for my children's safety since OM is like 24 - 27 and has no kids. It bothers me that she would introduce the kids to OM because I feel it'll hurt her reputation in the long run. I'm going to have to read up on AZ laws in regards to divorce/separation, but from other's threads it seems there's nothing a LBS can do if they are separated and there is no evidence of harm or foul play.

I don't know if D9 is putting up an emotional front, siding with wife, or what. I wonder sometimes if D9's foster past age 0 - 3 had a major impact on her since she moved around quite a bit and was aware of parents being in jail. Its like this OM thing is all cool with her from what I perceive. I wonder if she sides with WAW or if WAW tells her to not mention OM, because a couple of weeks ago I went over to drop off some new clothes for D9 to try on prior going to BIL. WAW had some friends with kids over and D9 and some of the other kids were jumping on the trampoline. When I went out to speak to her, one of the little girls (I'm guessing she's 5 or 6) just blurts out to me OM was here. D9 made a face at her that was like why are you saying that.

I don't know what emotional affect OM being present will have on my younger ones. D4, S4, and D3 are all pretty aware of their surroundings and through conversation I know they somewhat understand in general the things that go on around them regardless of the sitch with WAW and I.

Now, I'd like to rant on OM. He's 24 - 26, 3 jobs per Facebook (no white-collar jobs), and shares a place with someone per sites that collect info on people. Per a resume he had online (it read like sh*t) he had a short stint in the Army. I wish I knew more about his Army career as I was in the Army and got honorably discharged after my first enlistment. In my opinion I'm the exact opposite of OM.

DISCLAIMER: I'm only comparing myself to OM and not the world as a whole. Nothing is wrong with not having a white collar job, having to share a place, or being young and having no kids, but this stems off of what I feel WAW left behind and went to that supposedly makes her happy.

I've read on a few sites that the next spouse/person usually doesn't look as good as the first. In my opinion I feel this is true.

Knowing WAW is PA with OM and he's over at her house and all, I can't feel comfortable going over to her house to see the kids. Ever since we separated, I've seen the kids each evening they've been with her. In hindsight, I don't know if me wanting to see WAW outweighed me wanting to see the children. I do know underneath those feelings of wanting to visit is the feeling that I don't want my children to think less of me somehow because they didn't see me for a day. I'm from a divorced family, and of 100% I'm 99% closer to my mom. My dad didn't physically abuse me or neglect me financially, but through ever other weekend visits (age 8-16) with him and him not taking a genuine interest in me, I grew closer to my mom than him. So given my past, it haunts me that this may be the case down the road with me. I always felt our kids took to WAW more than me as is.

Now I feel like I'll just take it upon myself to see my kids when she's picking them up at daycare so I don't have to go over to her house the days she has them. As I stated earlier, I just can't feel comfortable going over there anymore knowing she's full on PA with OM. The simplest sight of anything can just arouse the emotions and have my mind wondering this, that, and the other. I wish I could have spared myself the harm this morning as OM's car was parked at her house when I went to drop off the kids sippy cups in her car for daycare since they left them in my car Fri. after me picking them up.