For hairdog: My husband has definitely always respected my right to say no, he'd stop his advances immediately. He knew if he pushed the subject any further he'd get into real trouble. As for how - there have been different stages. Once or twice when his frustration got too bad, he would just roll over on a huff, and clamp up until he calmed down. For a while, he would ask me if there was something wrong with the way he touched me that made my body not want it, and asked what he could do better, which actually helped a little. But eventually, we realized that we were really just throwing catch phrases around. For us, it helped to take a step back, 'get on the balcony' so to speak, and look at what we were saying as opposed to what we were feeling. The 'my body' line was just an excuse for me, a way I could pretend that I was 'right by society' and there was no deeper issue. Since I have read 'TSSM', and talked about it with him, and have a better understanding of what exactly he feels when I reject him, I have not used that phrase anymore, or any other phrase for that matter, and neither has he. I guess that 'right by popular opinion' attitude is just the easiest, quickest way to suppress a real problem. When we started talking about it, we could begin to understand where those feelings were coming from that were triggering those remarks. As for respect, my husband would of course still like to have a better sex life asap, but he is more relaxed now that he knows I'm doing something about it. It is easier for him to switch from a blotched makeout-attempt to substitute cuddling and dinner. He does his best to focus on all the other ways I show him love, and that in turn is very comforting to me.
For Newlywed: I understand how you feel about women's minds. Trust me, my mind makes me want to scream myself sometimes. My husband and I make it a point to exchange points of view, because he might miss something and I might make too much of a fuss - that way, by focusing on the other person's opinion, we can double-check our own. It's not always perfect of course. As for selfishness: I so know what you're talking about. y husband felt I was selfish for not trying harder, and I thought he was selfish for wanting sex even though he knew I was feeling down/in pain/insert reason here. Fact was, I was already trying as hard as I could, and he had waited through two weeks of doctor's appointments without so much as a peep. See the point? It's hard to get over it because you don't want to feel like you're wrong. Fact is, neither of us was wrong. Ergo, we're both right. Ergo, since the other one apparently has a valid point, ask them about it. That's who we get through the 'you're selfish' fits. Did I mention it's hard and it's no fun and you get really, really tired?
Have you tried asking her what she would like to do, or how she would like for you to show your love for her in a different way?
