Raliced - The Magnificent Seventh

[Underdog]

Mozza - That's it. For most of us here, on the surface what we list as possible causes for the demise of our marriages, it often looks to others as, "yeah, that's me too, so what gives?" My marriage was no worse than my cousin's. Yet I'm divorced and he isn't. Why? I can cover that one with a broad brush - neither he nor his wife want out at the same time, and they both know that it's no easier to split.

Sigh.

Raliced, like you I didn't come from a broken family. At the time I started this process, none of my friends had traveled that route either. Like you, I felt at times that I was navigating a course that nobody around me could help me travel. That's good and it's bad. The bad part is that if you're someone who relishes learning bad things from the mistakes of others, you're SOL. Good if it means you get to write your own rules.

That friendship I have with Mr. Wonderful took place over a period of time. It definitely wasn't happening when we were going through the D. When I noticed it first was 6 months post-D. I had emergency gall bladder surgery during the girls' fall break. He went to my house, did yard work, cleaned and did my laundry. And then he brought the girls over to see me. Post surgery, I woke up to find him holding my hand in my bed. That's when it occurred to me that things had changed. I didn't realize that along the way, I had been laying the ground work for that possibility.

I know plenty of you won't agree with me for this, but I'll tell you my secret. For 2 long, difficult years, I worked really hard on forgiveness. Oddly enough, forgiving him was easier than forgiving myself. I had done a post mortem, and while I would agree with Mozza that none of my crap seemed to be a deal breaker, apparently it was. The one thing I can tell you on my own post mortem summary is that many, many times I was unwilling to change the things that hurt him the most. I'm pretty sure that's why he felt hopeless about the possibility of reconciling. I didn't change for him. Yep, he was the catalyst and impetus, but I realized along the way that I was not a happy person. Anyhoo...

So I'll help you with your map, Raliced. Here's where I think you're getting stuck:

Because STBX moved in directly with his girlfriend, D7 has sometimes voiced the troubling conclusion that he chose OW over all of us. And then I am put in the position of basically trying to convince her that he only had problems with me (and I'm not sure I believe that, it seems like he picked OW over his life, which included being a daily part of his children's lives). That's a super fun conversation to have with one's child. And it keeps popping up.

Ummm, it keeps popping up because you think this is the direct route to understanding the quality of the roads to your destination. Sure, this has to be one of those hideous thoughts that pop up from time to time. The ever pervasive 'why'. It's a pothole, Raliced. You're only going to wind up needing a costly realignment adjustment.

His choices reflect HIS shortcomings and skewed belief system, dearest. He chose to run away. I know you've read here that the OW is only the symptom, not the cause. Since I was the one who teetered on the edge of infidelity, I can tell you first hand it's the truth. It had a little to do with my XH - he was unwilling to do what he knew I needed from him as my husband. Someone was in the wings that seemed willing to be that person for me. I was responsible for how it manifested itself. I was responsible for finding other ways to hit a reset button and asking for what I wanted. I was responsible for how I behaved.

Your STBXH's manifestations are undoubtedly the result of *his* unwillingness to dig deep and ask himself tough questions and to hold himself accountable for all the things in his life that weren't working - without dumping his family. He chose a path that he believed was easier for him to deal with - it's far, far easier to discard than it is to repair and buy new. At least initially.

I can tell you that I have heard more than a handful of times from my XH that he truly regrets our situation and wishes he would have tried harder to change the outcome. Twelve years later, he admits to me that he's not happier; 12 years later he tells me the common denominator in his problems is HIM. He's not done much to fix things, but he's fully aware now.

It will be fine, Raliced. All those things that you said *do* mean something. Sure, if you had both had the maturity and evolvement as a married couple to sit down and talk through the consequences, that would be different. But the storm hit, the barn door is open and the animals have long fled. All you can do at this point is to forge forward with your own plan.

There was a great article in the Washington Post either Sunday or yesterday about a guy who was ruminating on life and sought counsel from a Catholic priest, an evangelical minister, a rabbi, an atheist, a Buddhist monk, and a Muslim imam. They each had a similar theme - that it was pointless to look backward, and that success could only be achieved by moving forward and living in the now. It was a great article.

This is what I would advise you and all others here. It's great to do the post mortem so that you don't make the same mistakes in the future. But the real growth occurs when you create something positive for yourself and your girls, using what you've learned so far.

My D21 has expressed similar sentiments in the past as your D. It made my heart hurt. There ARE consequences for their actions, my friend. And because you love your girls with all your heart and soul, it hurts you too. But you can do it. How do I know this? Because you've been doing it all along. You're a winner. And winners never quit.

Hugs,

Betsey