hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks zeus, sunny, heavy, cali,V. Your input, advice, support is like gold in my pocket. I have stayed away from for a week again because it helps me to not obsess over this, and to not be selfish. I am not a newcomer, and don't want to take the real newcomer's space - and I should be doing better, and should be on a path that I am happy with - but I don't know if I am.

I feel like I am just throwing my hands up and giving up, but I do not see any other path at this time. (I know that sounds like boo hoo - poor me, but that is where I am at).

Zues - as far as a DB coach goes, I know there would be value to this, and I can use all the help I can get to not screw up the parenting issues that are going to happen. Money is going to get quite tight shortly (lame excuse), but I have a lot on my plate right now. May have to hold off on your 10%

W told me she wants to find a family counselor and start working with him/her before we tell the kids. I agreed to this and asked her if she had any ideas on that. She said no. She didn't get back to me, so I sent her four options that I found. She sent back a one word answer picking one.

sunny - I feel that I cannot move on - will not move on without the legal status of ending our marriage. I will not live the life she chose (just being "un-married"). I will not lower myself to that. It is not the road that I want to travel. I do want something better.

It's the first day of summer break today and I feel myself reeling just like I did all of last summer. (every line I write here today has made me well up - I don't want to feel this way any more).

Heavy - I have not left the MBR - not once. She now just finds another place in the house to sleep (now that d15 has friends over at night - very awkward and uncomfortable (she complains of her back hurting a lot (oh well)) I do not intend to leave the house, but I don't know if this is just a game. I do nothing for her and she does nothing for me - great life, right?

I do not envy anyone with younger kids that is going through this. It has to be so much harder. My kids are old enough to see what's going on and question it - they just don't and I don't know why.

There are no family events going on any more (only dinner every now and then). We will likely start doing separate things with the kids. I get to spend a lot of time with them now that it is summer break.

By regular salary, she makes more than I do right now, both of our names are on the house, so there is not much that I can do financially to push it.

I currently have all of my income going into a separate account and transfer money into the common account when the bills come in (I will pay for 50% of the bills). Now it's becoming complicated, because I am spending a lot of my money on the house (in preparation of selling it) I have to work this out.

Cali - You've summed this up very well. I believe she is going to live this lifestyle whether or not she is married. There is not much I can do about that - so ending my involvement in it would be my step. I don't believe she will ever file for divorce that will have to be my move.

Vanilla - Thank you always for your wisdom - I would like to know what you meant by "I also know that you currently have the resources to achieve that which you need". I KNOW I have the resources to be a good person and good parent - that is all I really need in my life right now.

Every move I make right now seems to anger W which sort of makes me feel alright. Angry about me controlling my money, about time I spend with kids without her, about making plans without her, about me pushing for an end.

Plans for now: continue IC
start preparing house for sale (big one - house needs a roof - can't sell a house with a bad roof).
arrange family counselor
end this madness
work on my business (try to rebuild some burnt bridges)
Get out on my bike
Fish, shoot, and weld with S17 (sounds like great manly stuff)
find something great to do with d15 (that doesn't involve buying her happiness (W is good at that))
Try to make a re-connection with S21