Thanks all for the great show of support. It's very kind of you and I appreciate it greatly. I think about it even when I'm not on these boards.
There are a few reasons why I haven't been posting lately.
Dating report | I've been seeing this woman I mentioned in my May 18 update a few times and, yes, we've slept together. In fact, we do enjoy each other's company. I also enjoy our texting, which can be just an update on our day or the news — something I've been missing from my M. She knows I'm still married, she knows I'm a mess and not ready for something stable. I even told her I was still meeting other women (not easy to say, but honest) and she said it's ok, we haven't promised anything to each other. It was good to hear that because I'm not done with the grand experiment of following my desires, rather than doing what I think other people expect of me. At the same time, this R does not really affect my perception of my sitch. I'm still sad, I still miss WW and my daughters. I'm not sure what to make of this. It's like any other GAL: it's great when it happens, but it's not game changing.
Work report | Work has gotten completely crazy in recent weeks, yet my productivity hasn't increased to match it. I paralyze in the face of all that there is to do. Add to this the very consuming topics of mediation and dating and it's hard for me to focus on work. In fact, I'm here right now because I procrastinate.
PMA Report | I now understand why some people one year or more in their R wrote that it was sometimes hard to come here because it reminds them of difficult times. I feel like I still need it, especially as I'm entering mediation, but it's hard to plunge into this world. That's one of the reasons why I haven't been commenting much, especially as people from my generation or the next have been posting less as well, so I would have to start from scratch with newcomers. It's not made easier by one of my personal flaws which that while I love explaining, I really do, I don't really like repeating. But with all the new people, all the time, with the backsliding, this board is all about repeating and I know there's value in it. Anyway, it shows that to post here, I have to overcome several hurdles, some internal, some external. But I'm not going to disappear on you!
___________________________________
TenBook | It does make me less comfortable to give out advice when I can't follow it myself. As for it's value, I'll let you be the judge.
Karma12 | Thanks a lot for your support. Unfortunately, I'm about to start mediation which means at least 5 meetings with WW and the mediator...
Vapo | Thanks a lot. The truth though is that I was crying because we were together as a family for the first time, this family that I had built with her and wanted to grow. D7 only appeared on stage much later.
Toots | Thanks a lot, Toots. Yes, maybe it's ok to have one slip every now and then. I always want WW to know how much it hurts, so maybe it's ok that my efforts to hide it have slipped once in eight months.
stacey9 | Thanks a lot for your kind words. It's nice to know that you appreciate the advice I give to others because I haven't always been soft on you!
HeavyD | Thanks for stopping by. I also meant tot tell you that I had a look at your thread and you seem to be doing a lot of good things. I hope you see your own progress in this.
SunnyB | Thanks. I show a lot of emotion, but mostly when I'm alone
gan | Yes, it's very hard to control our emotions. At the same time, I realize that I have not visualize this encounter as going well, so I sort of set myself up for this. I want to do better next time. And, like you, even though I try not to get my hopes up, even though my head tells me that R wouldn't be a good idea, it sinks my heart when she gives me yet another sign that she stays the course.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
