She was raising her voice, and frankly, I was shocked by it. She said she had waited for 2 years to hear me say that (the comment above) and she was angry at me for not "getting it" sooner. More blaming. She continued to yell at me and I told her I "got it" the day of D-Day and I told her I said that exact thing on D-Day (I really did!). She could not recall me saying that. She said that if I would have told her that on D-Day, then we might have had a chance. Why did she say this?
Most likely because she's still in contact (if not more) with her OM. The level of sudden anger on her part strikes me that your apology and your acceptance of your role in your marital dysfunction (but not her affair -- good job there) has thrown her compartmentalizing equilibrium for a loop. (Basically, "How could I have done what I did to Thriver if he's NOT such an uncaring monster after all?")
As for "how to handle" the friend thing, I would urge you to just let it play out organically. Don't feel like you have to make some grand pronouncement in this regard, nor give he answers for everything she brings up. Maybe just a "We will have to see how our relationship plays out going forward, but you know where I stand on the affair and it's not going to change. Friends don't treat friends that way" or some such.
If she is still wayward, there's not much you're going to accomplish in such a long (3 hours??!) conversation. Here's how I feel about those conversations, taken from my personal archives:
Types of Convos
Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
