Quote: Yes it is Superdave . . . it really is. Just makes things much harder becuase there really is no way for me to not come out sounding like a selfish prick, you know? And maybe I am.
I highly doubt that you are a selfish prick. If you were you wouldn't be here. You would be out doing somone one else. I will tell you that your resolve will only go so far with this. If you are already feeling this way.
I would ask her to read the book. I don't believe that she fully understands what this is doing to you. You will want to be patient with this but remeber that you need to be happy also and deserve it. So you might also might want to start doing more things for you happiness right now so that you aren't feeling so down.
Sounds like everything sexually was going fine until the wedding. THen it changed overnight. It does NOT sound like the back problems and medication are causing the problem. When did the medication and back problems start in relation to ceasing of the sex?
newlywed1: Have you explored all the options with the doctors? Is there surgery to alleviate the problem with the back? Are there different medicines that might not cause the loss of libido? I guess is this just something that you both have to live with forever?
Hopefully its not something that will be around forever Cemar. The docs are still working on finding something that works. I think that there are alot of docs though that do not concern themselves with the libido s/e of alot of the medications that they use. So the wife and I are going to continue to push them for some different solutions. Until recently though, she didn't see the need to consider those side effects. We actually had an episod recently where I tried yet again to initiate and of course was turned down. She offered her standard "help me out" line and unlike before, I turned her down. This led to a short but civil exchange where I basically said something to the effect of "you're not getting what Im trying to tell you. Its not the end result thats important to me. Its the closeness of the act. But don't worry, Im getting used to it." Well that visibly stung her. It wasn't until that moment though that she ever mentioned talking with her doctors about the effect of their treatment. Maybe it was a small breakthrough. I'd like to be optimistic.
My W's back was bad for two years. It started for no apparent reason. At it's worst she could barely move and we're talking about a woman with a very high pain threshold. She had all the tests including MRI scan and was told that it was just wear and tear and that she had the back of a 60yr old (she was 40 at the time). Then gradually it just disappeared. We came to the conclusion that it must have been a virus. When you don't have a sore back it's easy to forget but when you have one it is on your mind 24/7. I think you will have to sit out the back problem before trying to solve the SSM. Concentrate on creating a GREAT MARRIAGE (as CeMar would say) so that when her back is better your sex life will return. SD
Thanks Superdave. I did need to hear that. Hopefully hers will be resolved eventually. Its been going on for a little over a year now. Its not so bad that she can't move, she describes it more as a dull ache that just doesn't go away. But it doesn't appear by any means to be debilitating. Her pain threshold is pretty low though.
I know your advice is correct though and I do make special effort everyday to make the marriage as good as I can possibly make it. Sometimes its awfully hard though when you just keep feeling like your working and giving and not getting something so simply in return. Its hard sometimes not to let it get the best of you. In the end, I guess I wasn't posting so much for advice as I was just to let it out.
No matter how bad I think I have it, I know that there are others out there who are absolutely worse off than I feel that I am. =)
Hey, when I told you to tell your W that you were unhappy, I in no way meant for you to deliver an ultimatum. There is a difference between that and a boundary. You can certainly tell your wife how you feel and that you would like to work with her on finding a solution, yet still be considerate of her back problems and not making her feel that you are going to up and leave her.
I think part of your frustration comes from not knowing exactly what it is she thinks she is doing to improve your situation... so it seems to you like all you are getting is empty promises. I think everyone on this board would agree that as long as the spouse is showing some kind of EFFORT, we can all find the hope and the strength to continue to work toward the solution. I don't hear from you that you are getting that.
Thats a very good point Corri. I hadn't really thought about it like that but it makes perfect sense. I have told her that Im unhappy and she acknowledges that, but you are completely correct in that I just don't see what she is doing to improve it. I suppose that this recent "Im going to talk to the doctor about the side effect of these meds" is such a relief to me because Im seeing that as a tangible action.
And I didn't mean to sound as if I took your post as an "ultimatum". That was just my tangent I headed off on. I think that I have done a pretty good job of communicating my unhappiness about the situation. What I suppose I need to concentrate on is communicating to her how important it is to me that I know she is in fact doing something that I can see/feel as a corrective step.
