DJ - you sound amazingly self aware. I can see why given your childhood you have opted for the marriage and life-style you have done.
It isn't a lot of fun digging around in the locked trunks of our past. It isn't so much a question of changing ourselves (far too much emphasis put on that) so much as understanding ourselves and why we behave in certain recurring patterns.
I don't believe we can really change our essential ourselves but we can better understand the way we behave, how others behave, and learn to moderate our responses to others. We can act differently while remaining our essential selves, and get in touch with parts of ourself that we had lost touch with.
There are some terrible therapists out there, and there are some excellent ones. The more modern approach is more focused on getting the person functional - it is about the therapist working actively with the client.
I can't tell you how much I dreaded therapy, and how I value what it has given me. I haven't had a huge amount - small bursts from time to time, and I am now on therapist No 2, but on very good terms with therapist no 1. I just need different things now.
I am arrogant enough to suggest that you may have made certain compromises with yourself in order to go on operating, and that this is reflected in your choice of husband. However he is on his path and you are on yours, and as you know, we can only appeal to others, not change them.
Both my xh and I were damaged in different ways, but mine was emotional and could be dealt with. His was probably a deeper trauma, and I am not sure it will ever be resolved.
