Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

B - Yes, I do still love him. In order for us to work, he is going to have to emotionally connect again with himself, the children and me. For me, it is not about living in the same house 7/24, but rather knowing that we have a connection and when we are together, making each other a priority and having fun. Up until 2012, we use to go out every Friday night and away overnight once a quarter - we always took time to reconnect and catch-up. I do love the independence that I have, however it comes with a price - lack emotional support on a day-to-day basis. He has not put boundaries on me, rather I put boundaries on myself because of the children. There are trade-offs in every relationship. I would also like him to be more supportive when there are items which he needs to engage with rather than pulling out his procrastination card.

In 2012 he ran away emotionally and became very passive-aggressive. I didn't understand and thought he was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere. We started MC in Nov 2014, where I was able to see that he ran away from everyone and everything including himself. Rather than try to fill his void with other people and false happiness like so many MLC, he built a wall around himself. He was all work -- all the time. After he was laid-off, I was hoping we would reconnect; however he emotionally put the walls up further proposing divorce. What I have now realized is as a child he was given no skills in emotionally coping. He learned to cope by denying he had emotional needs.

I am trying to sort in my mind emotionally what I think I WANT versus what I can COPE with. Emotionally open men make me uncomfortable. As a child, I felt abandoned after my mother died and then went on to equate love with abuse. It comes down to how much am I willing to address my childhood issues? I hate addressing childhood issues (put all those emotions in a box and have stored them away)..... but somehow I have ended up having to look thru the box anyway.