Feeling a little down today. Last week, I texted and emailed my WW a few times in regards to some financial issues and the court proceedings related to the divorce. I never received a response. Then out of the blue today she calls me. We spoke for 3 hours.
Topics of Conversation:
The Divorce She has taken no action in getting our attorney friend to write the decree. Months ago, she said she was going to. Today, she said she didn't feel comfortable having our friend write it up. Instead, W wanted to use some standard form she found online. I told her I would prefer that we stick with the original plan and get our friend to write it. I told W that I would call our attorney friend tomorrow and get her the information she needed for the decree. W said ok.
Blameshifting Let me start by saying that I don't know if the original OM or any other OM is still in the picture. I have not checked W's phone bill like I used to. It used to drive me crazy, so I stopped 6 months ago.
So, at one point in the conversation, W told me that what she did (the A) was wrong and she was sorry that it happened. (Note: she didn't say she was sorry for the pain she put me through, only that the A happened). Then she said that I am partially to blame for her A. Unbelievable! I said no way, she was 100% responsible for her affair. She had a choice to make and she chose to have an A. That was not me. I stood firm here and refused to let her blame me for her A. I felt stronger here than I have been in the past.
She also mentioned again that I "made" her feel worthless throughout the last 2 years of our M. I told her I'm sorry she felt that way but it was not my intention to make her feel miserable. She mentioned a few specifics and I validated her feelings where appropriate. We also talked about the 2 IC's that we both saw and she said counseling was worthless. I felt like saying, "Well yeah, if you go in there with no intention of trying, it is worthless". I didn't say it obviously.
Remorse or Not? I can't remember why, but for some reason she brought up the topic of "being friends". I stated my boundary and let her know that we were not on "good terms" as long as there was an OM and she would have to show remorse for her actions. She said, "Oh well, I hardly talk to OM anymore, so I think we're good." I said that was not good enough.
The topic changed to remorse and what remorse was. She said she felt remorse and I said that she didn't. (I think this bit me later in the conversation ). I told her remorse requires not only caring about the BS's feeling more that your own, but also having and showing empathy for the pain that you put them through. I said remorse requires actions. She claimed that she was feeling HER type of remorse. Truth is, she has no idea what true remorse is as it relates to infidelity and relationships. I don't know if she will ever understand. We must have talked for an hour on the subject and she just doesn't get it. So frustrating.
The Comment At the end of the conversation I eloquently summarized how she felt. I can't remember the specifics but I said something like "I understand that you feel how you feel and that is not up to interpretation by me. Your feelings are your feelings and if I ever said you should not feel a certain way, I sincerely apologize."
We ended the conversation on some other topic.
The Call Back Two minutes after we hang up, she calls me back extremely upset. She was raising her voice, and frankly, I was shocked by it. She said she had waited for 2 years to hear me say that (the comment above) and she was angry at me for not "getting it" sooner. More blaming. She continued to yell at me and I told her I "got it" the day of D-Day and I told her I said that exact thing on D-Day (I really did!). She could not recall me saying that. She said that if I would have told her that on D-Day, then we might have had a chance. Why did she say this?
Then she went into if I felt that way (what I mentioned about her having her feelings), why won't I believe that she is remorseful? I said I think we have different definitions of what remorse is. She said again that she feels remorseful and that I was telling her that she didn't. How should I respond to this?
Meaningless Crap She tried to sprinkle the conversation with small talk about the weather, her dog, her job, etc. I engaged in that talk as little as possible. I feel very strongly like she's trying to "put me in the friendzone" and I will not let that happen. I will not be demoted. DB experts, is this an appropriate boundary for me to maintain?
Summary I realize that I probably broke many of the DB rules in this conversation, but I felt I did better than I have done in past conversations. I validated her feelings like crazy, I did not beg, I did not cry. She initiated the relationship talk, but I suppose I could have ended it sooner instead of engaging in the conversation. I did make the mistake of mentioning that we had good times in the past and that she is only focusing on the negative.
If anyone has advice or comments on any of the topics above, I would appreciate it. I'm sure there will be some much needed 2x4's coming my way too. I'm ready for them.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
). I told her remorse requires not only caring about the BS's feeling more that your own, but also having and 
