Raliced, I've been interested in yours and Mozza's exchanges about what's best for the kids. And I will always believe it's two loving parents raising them together. Always. But I also see other D couples still hauling each other into court 15 years later, stalking each other, purposely alienating the children from the other parent. My D17 has a friend whose mother walked away when he was a baby and he hasn't seen her since. Dad has a rotating stable of girlfriends, and his "main" girlfriend now has a 5-month old that's not his. Point is, D wasn't yours or mine first choice, but gosh, we're doing the best we can, and our kids truly will be just fine.
Well- I'm not trying to come across as overly negative. I'm aware that children of divorce can thrive and on the flip side, I am sure there are happily married couples who do everything right who still have troubled children. If anyone knew the magic formula - I'm sure we would all be using it.
but......
I'm someone who puts some value in statistics - and the statistics still reflect more challenges for children of divorce (and yes, this gets complicated, because divorce is also more prevalent in lower socio-economic classes, which could explain some of the problems), blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. When push comes to shove, I feel like a lot of the advice in these situations comes down to "just" statements. If you can "just" communicate, "just" be civil, "just" keep things consistent between households. "just" not badmouth each other, everything will be fine! And I am deeply suspicious of any "justs" when it comes to raising children in the best of circumstances and this is a long ways from the best of circumstances. So- I'm trying to approach this topic thoughtfully and with some care. Additionally, not only did I not come from a divorced family, there have never been any in my immediate circle - so I really feel like I am navigating without a map somewhat.
There are a couple of things that have popped up already that are already concerns:
Because STBX moved in directly with his girlfriend, D7 has sometimes voiced the troubling conclusion that he chose OW over all of us. And then I am put in the position of basically trying to convince her that he only had problems with me (and I'm not sure I believe that, it seems like he picked OW over his life, which included being a daily part of his children's lives). That's a super fun conversation to have with one's child. And it keeps popping up.
Then, as I mentioned earlier, STBX has developed a pretty dark view of the world. An example: there's a boy in D7's class who was also in her kindergarten class and is constantly in trouble. STBX had a chance to observe him in his capacity as parent volunteer, and two months into kindergarten had already written the kid off as a complete loss who would be in jail by age 15. I'm sure there are a smattering of psychopaths in the world, but otherwise, I refuse to believe that at the age of 6, any kid is irredeemable. When he still lived with us, I could help mitigate that somewhat but now he has apparently taken off any filter in the way he discusses this kid with D7. So now she gets these wildly divergent viewpoints of the world, and that seems like pretty tricky waters for such a young kid to sort through and navigate.
And then of course, I know kids aren't supposed to feel like they are picking sides. But when I had to tell D7 we would divorce (because STBX foisted that chore on me), I tried to do so in as non blaming non judgmental way as possible. And the first thing she said to me? "Mommy, I love you more than Daddy". I will remember the look on her face and the choked tone of her voice for the rest of my life.
