W just texted me again. She had shared with me earlier that her OM's youngest child had a birthday this weekend and that she was probably going to go, although it would likely be awkward because he had already told her that he didn't want a serious relationship with her. She just told me that she is no longer going to see OM this weekend. I don't know if she ended it or if he did, nor do I know if it's temporary or permanent. And yes, sandi, she made it known that she would like to go to dinner tonight.
Are you clairvoyant?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Have you thought about what would be necessary to get the M back on track again? Have you read about the transparency plan? I talked a little about this in one of my threads when I was discussing not letting the WW come back too easily.
Yes, I have. She needs to acknowledge the pain that she caused. Not only to me, but my kids, her kids, and the grandchildren. Counseling is a must. Definitely MC and I would hope IC, although that has to come from her. Divorce proceedings must be halted. I would advocate continuing to live separately for a period of time, until we see how things are going. Finally, trust. Transparency would be essential, as would the necessity of not throwing it back in her face. It would take a lot of work. I realize that if these steps are not taken, there is a high likelihood that we are right back at this juncture in the future.
I'm willing to put in the hard work required. It remains to be seen if she is.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer, I just worry if it hadn't been for the jilting from OM...IDK, this seems like a reactionary thing.
I truly, truly hope for the best, and that your W doesn't want to go to dinner bc your emotional comfort and even keel is salve for her own self inflicted instability and emotional wounds right now.
You've heard people talk about pull back in these situations. Human nature, we want what we think we want until we have it, and then react against it. Be careful, please. Your W may be like a bungee cord jumper, it'll take a bit before her own internal yoyo settles perhaps?
You've done well to this point, I'm sure you've got this. Rooting for you.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I've thought about this a lot. You wonder if her change of heart was precipitated by OM jilting her. Of course it is. The ONLY way we EVER stood a chance is for the affair to end. That could only happen if he jilts her or she has an epiphany and ends it. Looks like he ended it in this instance.
And because of that, she is wounded, afraid, and full of chaos. She most definitely is reaching out to me because of familiararity, and perhaps some remnants of love. Who knows? But she is also making strides to break away from OM, as evidenced by her canceling weekend plans to spend with him and his family.
Is this something permanent? Who knows? But it appears to be a start.
I need to back off and be somewhat unavailable now. I don't want to slam the door in her face, but I don't want to allow her to waltz in and avoid the repercussions for all the pain that she has caused.
Last edited by Kramer; 05/22/1509:37 PM.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I need to back off and be somewhat unavailable now. I don't want to slam the door in her face, but I don't want to allow her to waltz in and avoid the repercussions for all the pain that she has caused.
Hello Kramer,
Well said! Thats's the exact way you need to be. It may be like walking a tightrope but I believe in you. You are a smart guy and can do it.
Good luck!
Your buddy,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
The only requirement I have for the immediate future is OM gone. I realize that she needs time to grieve the loss of that relationship. I also realize that in order for us to have any chance, that things need to move slowly.
I need to find some way to portray that I will stand and fight for my M, but am not willing to sweep everything under the rug. Her actions caused so much pain and destruction, and as cautiously optimistic as I am, I am also very guarded. She hurt me deeply. Worse than anyone ever has. I don't know if I could take further deceit on her part.
I did tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants. We'll see how she responds.
And I've thought this out. There's a good chance that even if she decides she wants to try reconciliation, that the damage may be too great. I'm ok with trying and failing. All I ever wanted was that chance.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
And yes, sandi, she made it known that she would like to go to dinner tonight.
Are you clairvoyant?
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No, just familiar with the script.
Still keeping your weekend plans, I hope.
What you've listed as part of the piecing plan is good.
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She needs to acknowledge the pain that she caused. Not only to me, but my kids, her kids, and the grandchildren.
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Her remorse is extremely important. IMO, when she gets over herself, and truly feels remorseful for what she has done to you and the M, her kids and grandkids will come under that umbrella. Whether she acknowledges them name at thtissue time as "you", IDK. It is more important that she acknowledges you, and she may include the family. Am I making sense? She may be very broken hearted at what she's done to you, so let her recognize that part, before you start going down the list with her. .
Right now, she may be in the first stages of remorse, b/c she has started experiencing some of the fallout of the A (maybe), and she has said she's sorry for the mess. But I still think it's more her feeling sorry for herself, ATM. She is trying to say only the minimum things she believes will get her back in her home again. That is why I continue to tell you to be very cautious and don't jump the gun. Make her work for it.
Speaking of the hurt she's caused her kids and GK, she will have to mend those fences without expecting you to do it for her. I mean, she may not ask, but some women fall back on that old "helpless" role, and cry that they will never be able to forgive her, etc. That is not you cue to assure her everything will be fine, yada-yada. Leave it to her to work on the R with them. Let her do the talking and working with them.
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Counseling is a must. Definitely MC and I would hope IC, although that has to come from her.
Yes, a good therapist to guide you during the reconciliation & piecing is very important. Piecing is hard! Some couples have made it to piecing, but couldn't make it through piecing. The work has just started when you reach piecing. Make sure you have a qualified therapist who works with couples healing from A's. Some hole-in-the-wall MC can mess up people's lives, b/c they have limited training.
You are sounding stronger.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi, you are sounding stronger. Hang tough and keep up the good work.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Kramer, I can't imagine being in your shoes, although, I must admit being a little envious. Right now things still seem bleak with my ww telling others she's getting a divorce, putting the house up for sale and continuing with the om. Can't see her turning around and questions things like yours is.
However, you are being incredibly strong not pursuing. Can't say I wouldn't have had fun with my ww if she initiated like yours did. But, being able to rebound and hold strong is very encouraging. Keep it up Kramer. You're getting results!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
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