Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

I have been "stuck" for while in a situation which is unfulfilling. I originally stayed thinking he was going to change and be home more, then I stayed blaming myself, then I stayed as I spoke with many woman older than me who spoke about rough times in their marriage - so I thought this was normal, then I stayed because I couldn't bear to have my children forced to deal with a divorce. I realize I have given him far too much power in deciding if this marriage continues or not; however, I now feel like I have ticked all my boxes, been patient in the process. I have made it clear what I expect from our marriage. I will listen to his thoughts on continuing the marriage when he returns. If he is unwilling or unable to put the work in, than it is over.

I'd really like to hear about your GAL and 180s and Detachment work.

Regarding 180s and detachment, it is really difficult to act differently around someone when they are not around. For the past 3 years, I have basically been living like a single mom (but not dating!). Over the past 8 weeks, we have only been together 2 weeks of it. When he is home, I just leave him alone and go about my own schedule. He has had such walls to me that we don't substantially interact outside of kid items. When he is on the road, I don't initiate contact.

I am starting to call him on more of his emotional avoidance. He uses lack of time as an excuse to not get emotionally involved or stay too long in one spot (always the first to leave dinner parties or other gatherings). Never time to just enjoy life or stay too long in the moment - always some place else to be. I have been calling him on it, I use to be understanding, making excuses for him.

The biggest 180 I did this week was - a guy came to cut our lawn but it had been agreed he would use H tractor. We couldn't get tractor started, so rather than just sort it out..... I called H (even though it was 1 am his time) and woke him up, asking him to sort out this guy. Usually I just take care of everything, because that is what is expected. However, H had made the arrangement with lawn guy and I wanted him to own that process. (I don't usually do "damsel in distress" very well for stuff around the house.)

Another 180 - H decided he wanted to clean out the garage, although we still had a ton of other projects which needed time and attention. Rather than fuss at him, I just walked off and let him get on with it. Nearly drew blood from my tongue!

My main 180 is -- I no longer "care" about his opinion or seek his approval and it is MY opinion of myself which matters. I am also holding him a bit more accountable for what he says he is going to do but giving him space to get it done.

As far as GAL - I have always had a life. I fit in a handful of things around the children's busy schedules, but I do sit in most evenings because the kids need a parent there for dinner, homework and bedtime routine. When H was home, I made sure to get some extra nights out with girlfriends.

- I have started meditating listening to podcast called Headspace. Amazing how hard it is to calm the inner self and just sit there being.

- I run 4 days a week (but I have always run) and have starting training for a half-marathon in Sept. The upside is I have also lost about 15lbs - yipee!! I haven't run a half-marathon in 7 years, so very excited to be training again.

- I manage websites for several not-for-profits who all seem to be wanting things, sunshine has brought out out the project deadlines.

- Not my favorite way to GAL, but have also been getting closets cleaned out, carpets layed and curtains made for getting the house on the market and selling old toys on ebay. Slightly frustrating that these tasks are taking much longer than expected but can't put house on the market now until H returns as he needs to sign all the paperwork.

- I hosted a fantastic birthday lunch at a great restaurant for myself with 7 of the most wonderful friends. There was laughter and great conversation. We ended up having such a great time that lunch ended at 9p -- ooops! However, we usually do lunch once every 3 mos anyway.

The only new things I am doing to GAL....

- H and I use to attend various black tie fund-raisers, but he quit wanting to go about 4 years ago. So, I went to one in Feb and have another one in June. Time to go dress shopping.

- I took my daughter on holiday to Hong Kong and to see a girlfriend of mine. I am trying to get summer vacation planned with the children.


Saw a great quote which I have been embracing - "Maybe our girlfriend are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with!"