Answer questions with questions...then listen to her talk in circles.
Wife: Where were you last night?
husband: Why does it matter?
Wife: 5 minutes explanation why she is entitled to know all about your life followed by I just wondered where you were?
Husband: Are you accusing me of something (acting kind of defensive almost as though you actually do have something to hide)?
wife: 5 minutes more of talking in circles that you listen intently upon tending to nod in agreement and looking her in the eyes with focused attention followed by do you have something to hide?
husband: Are you looking to have an honest conversation?
wife: him and haws knowing she wants truth FROM YOU but isn't really prepared to discuss herself honestly but what the heck...she doesn't have to share any truth of her own that she doesn't want to so why not "sure, what do you want to talk about honestly?"
husband: You said last week you were having second thoughts, what does that mean?
wife: let her talk for 5 minutes explaining and sharing her wishy washy feelings again you just listen, tend to agree and keep her talking without sharing all that much yourself. Then she asks how do you feel?
husband: guess I'm having second thoughts too. Sometimes when I'm out there on my own something happens and I really want to share it with you like always, know what I mean?
wife: let her talk again. Ending at so where were you last night?
husband: [mockingly] Are you jealous? laughing...continue, don't worry about it lets go get some ice cream.
Answer her questions with questions and just use the opportunity to really listen to her. In the end, you never really shared where you were, who you were with. You distract her attention to going to do something fun instead of dragging out the conversation on and on. If she starts really hammering you - Who were you with last night or something demanding an answer you could say "Are you still talking to OM?" as your question to her question that she's not prepared to talk about. Then you say, "see, neither of us are completely prepared to be honest with one another. If you want my honesty than you need to get honest with me about your relationship with OM. When did it start? What did you two do, specifically? Where do things stand now? These are questions that need answers if and when both of us decide to try to do anything about having "second thoughts". If you don't want to have this conversation today or now, I'm fine with that. Let's go get ice cream".
Then...after all that focused attention...you back off. You pushed so now you pull back again. Go pay attention to your children and leave her to think and stew or whatever. If she wants to talk more make her pursue it and again, answer her questions with questions and just listen.
You don't have to be stoic, dismissive or flippant. Detaching doesn't mean in her presence you have to be aloof and uncaring. Your 180 is to show some emotion from time to time but you do so without begging or pleading for another chance with a willingness to accept crumbs from her. You "detach" when you aren't with her so you can be strong when you have these interactions with her and uncompromising. SHE has a lot more "answers" to provide you that are a lot more important than what you did last night.
Other good questions:
1. Who are you? I mean, it's strange to have been married this long and feel like I don't even know you. Let's say you are a house, I feel like there are some private rooms you've never really let me in to. If we are maybe divorcing I'd like to know who you really are before that happens? What's going on with you?
[this is a tough question. she's probably really not ready to share much but way wards do love to talk and they often think they are sooooo very deep and interesting that you just might catch her a moment of clarity where she decides to really share and even over share. You've got to just listen. Some of it will or might be just ridiculous. Some of it might be really hurtful. You'll want to argue. You'll want to teach. You'll want to defend. Don't. It's not worth it. She's not ready to be taught but just by listening to her calmly and without judging she'll appreciate it so much more and find that she can and maybe could have talked to you more all along.
2. A recovery starts with a foundation of honesty, wouldn't you agree?
3. Wouldn't you agree, that us being happily married would be the best for our children?
(key word there..."HAPPILY". She may object saying staying married just for the kids isn't healthy but you respond "I fully agree. I said "happily married", I agree that in the end if we can't achieve being "happily married" that we should amicably divorce.)
4. Got any ideas how we could achieve "happily married"?
You are leading the witness here. You want her to have nothing and then ask you if you have any ideas. Right then you may just want to say "I've got some, would you like me to email them to you later cause now this is getting a bit heavy and we need to get going?
*I worry sometimes over detaching sends the following messages:
a. You really don't care about her b. You are fine with divorcing c. You have given up on her, the marriage and the family d. You've actually found someone else e. She should just file and get it over with f. You seem happier without her g. She's not lovable (way wards are often deeply insecure) h. You never really loved her (justification for cheating on you) i. OM is her only and best option
You can counteract that with just one conversation where you don't really assure her she's still got you on the hook and can continue cheating and doing whatever at her own pleasure while you remain her backup rather that you too are having second thoughts (notice this is flipping the choice on it's head by saying you didn't think you could stay married to her but you're now not sure maybe you can forgive her) and that you've always valued her and cherished her. Divorce is not easy for you to think about either. You commiserate with her instead of 'miserating' at her. Mirror her emotions and if she cries, you cry too. All the while you remain detached from the outcome. Either way, you are going to be fine. Then...be the one to end it. Leave her to want to pursue more with you. Leave her wondering what you are thinking. Leave her wanting to share more with you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
