Sorry your here but this is a great place to get support with a bunch of amazing people who have had similar experiences. Its sad you have to be here, but you're among friends.
Any time you get too excited he will want to back off, its seen as pursuing. Try to keep all your actions consistent no matter how hes acting.
Just curious, how long was the gap between this EA ending and when you started asking questions?
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you, Fogg for the advice! It ended in October 2013. I started asking questions just the start of this year. I kept it all in because I was so happy he cut it off with the EA and wanted to work on our marriage again.
Me: 36 H: 37 T:11 M:9 S9 D3 M - 11/2005 H not in love with me anymore- 2/2015 D mentioned - 2/2015 H wants to save M - 6/2015
Journaling- Just running out of hope. I'm so tired of this flip flopping. Just waiting for a miracle. I don't want to give up but it's kind of hard when it's only me who wants to keep on working on things.
. I don't want to give up but it's kind of hard when it's only me who wants to keep on working on things.
Maybe you are not standing in the right spot.
Maybe you need to move your right foot on the red spot and your left hand on the yellow spot.
Now on to more serious matters here.
Originally Posted By: kippz
I've been slipping back to non-DB behavior recently so bad, and as a result things with the H are getting worse. He said I will never change. He said I always check up on him. Always jealous. Asking him who's on the phone.
You would want to check out the ...site and print out an article that addresses this very problem to show H. The article talks about how the betrayed spouse wants to understand the A and the WAS just wants to avoid painful reminders of it. I hope this will be the catalyst for you and H to practice radical honesty in your marriage.
There's one more gem that I'd like to pass on to you here. Just saw this beautiful post from darling Starsky today:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
In my situation (and in advising others who are at the stage you are at), I try to understand an important distinction:
FEELINGS -- romantic, "IN-love-with-you" feelings -- will take several months and even a couple of years to return following an affair. That was depressing for me to hear that when I was just starting to attempt reconciliation with my wife, and I in fact denied it was true, but it took a good 2-3 years for my wife's feelings of love and respect for me to return, and vice-versa.
The DECISION however to do what is necessary to repair the marriage following an affair is just that -- a DECISION. It should take no more than 5 minutes to decide -- certainly not more than 24 hours. Whenever my wife would say "I don't know if my feelings for you will ever return," I would say "I understand that and I'm willing to be very patient in that regard -- it could take many, many months. But whether or not you're willing to do this short list of things that I say I need at this point, to me, isn't about feelings. It's a DECISION that you need to make, if you want to remain married to me."
Maybe that's just me, but the "fog" doesn't need to be fully lifted in order for a formerly wayward spouse to decide on full no-contact and transparency and working on their marriage with their betrayed spouse.
Starsky
Keep working on those 180s that are for YOU and that you will live with for the rest of your life. Those changes are for you and you need to be very comfortable with them for they are not to be used as a tactic to placate or cajole H back in the M.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/02/1508:57 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other websites
How do I found out about it when snooping is not allowed under DR? Thanks.
You need to know that DB does not forbid snooping outright. Just isn't encouraged because it brings people down emotionally and takes days to recover from the discovery. Excessive snooping keeps a person stuck in the mud instead of focusing on YOU and moving forward.
Just bide your time and things will come into focus. Perhaps the OW will be revealed in due course. If I were you, I'd proceed with the assumption that your H already has OW somewhere.
That should not change your DBing approach at all. Just follow Sandi's Ryules and GAL your butt off.
