Dejavu2- In my case, looking back and reflecting was helpful in making decisions on how to move forward. It really was damaging if I stayed in that mode for too long.
I am not sure how I feel about the MLC label but in our case I can say, without reservation, my H's entire value system shifted and his thinking changed overnight.
FTR, I don't dismiss the MLC label out of hand. Sometimes it's accurate.
Indeed, this^^^"never" before IS significant to me. And in my h's case, most of it was radically different than before. Like suddenly not paying any bills, whereas he used to pay ahead of time and never, ever missed one.
I just strongly caution those who grasp at it 1) for too long, b/c it's keeping them stuck
and or 2) who deflect away from their own work and or
3) who keep "asking" why, and or blaming the "selfish/wrong/crazy" spouse,
and eventually wallowing in anger that morphs into bitterness.
Last but not least, it only takes a day or two to realize that IF the spouse is in a MLC
the question for the LBS is the same: What am I going to do, now?
Because we are all we control. The more we try to diagnose our spouse the less work we are doing in our own lives. The real person to ask "why?" of, may be ourselves.
Why are we still focussed on someone else,
and NOT on living our lives with clarity and intention.
He never lied before and with such ease because he was justifying every decision in such a bizarre fashion. His mother has remarked on how even his voice has changed. I could go on but the way he has abandoned me, the girls and even the family dog is very tragic. I have no doubt he is a man in crisis. What do you want for your marriage and for yourself?
Forgive me for quibbling, but the first part of this^^ question is probably no longer relevant. This has been going on for 3 years, or more, and the more time that passes the more it's clear her needs have gone unmet for literally decades.
One thing that still gnaws at me is the shock I continue to feel about men who leave their entire families behind and SEEM to be "okay" about it...I mean, HOW do they do that?? I could wonder that the rest of my life but fortunately I'm not married to a man who is like that. Still, those who do it really do freak me out.
SOooo
Why not focus on what you can create for the rest of your life, going "From this day forward"?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
