ViYes, some similar behaviors. Mainly the pulling back, the lack of intimacy when we are together and the walking on egg shells because I'm never quite sure what is going to set him off.
The last time I saw him, I called him on something he kept a secret from me. His brother accidentally told me the truth. My H told me I acted like a big lump all weekend (even though he ignored me and wouldn't talk to me) and that I didn't need to know about everything.
Of course I got hurt and defensive and told him I was sorry he had to deal with a big lump for the past 30 years and that I felt like I no longer had a purpose in his life, the kids are grown and almost on their own, so he was feeling like it's time for him to move on. I either hit a nerve or just ticked him off, b/c those were our last words spoken.
He was taking me to the airport and didn't say another word.
It's interesting, b/c the last two times I made the trip to see him in his space, it was like he was trying to pick a fight with me all weekend. Saying things he knew would bother me. One of the visits, we took a short trip out of town and our son called me on the phone and wanted to talk to me about a lease on an apartment for the following school year. My H talked to him a bit and got angry b/c my son had ideas other than my H about the lease. Then I took the phone and talked to my S and said we could talk more later. I hung up and my H asked me a question about the lease and I said, you know as much as I do, you just end talked to our S. He started screaming at me saying he was sick of the way I talked to him and that I didn't show him any respect. I was dumbfounded. I rarely ever raise my voice. Sometimes I might sound annoyed, but I do not yell. It was like a slap in the face. I think this was my first red flag that things were not going well with him. After that I really tried to be patient, listen and not argue.
In Sept of 2014, we had come to an agreement to separate. It was after a fight we had about him moving back home in May. He made excuses not to come back home for 4 months. I let it go and acted "as if". So when he visited in Sept. I sat him down and we had a very civil discussion. Many things were discussed. He said he only missed me 50% of the time he is away. He also said, a separation wouldn't be the worst thing in the world and I agreed. I had learned from the previous time not to contradict or beg or plead not to go.
So we agreed and he asked if we could still talk everyday and I said no but we could talk on occasion. We went to a movie and he wanted to hold my hand which I thought was weird. Then the following day, he went outside and had a talk with our S and when he came in he said he wanted to talk to me. I said sure. He said he had changed his mind and didn't want to separate. He was going to try to work on some things himself. I was relieved but skeptical.
Sure enough, from Sept to Dec. he was either very distant, or calling me every couple of hours. When he came home for the holidays, he first of all didn't want to go to my brothers house party. I said fine I'll go myself. Then he called me back and said he'd go. He just didn't want to be a bother to me. I told him that was ridiculous. He continued to try to pick fights with me. Unfortunately, We had two kind of heated discussions. I wouldn't say drag out fights, but they were not normal discussions. Then one evening when we went to bed, I asked him if he felt there would ever be any intimacy in our R in the future, b/c there hasn't been any on his part for a long time. He said that that was my fault b/c when we first got married, I one time turned him down and cried about it.
I told him I was probably exhausted trying to be a new wife, mom, working, etc. and I apologized if I hurt him. It wasn't my intention. But if he still resented that from over 25 yrs ago, then we had a problem.
The week turned out terrible. He left asking me what we should do. I said, you need to look at how you are feeling and your resentment b/c I do not have those feelings inside of me. I told him that if I had hurt him in the past it wasn't intentional and I was sorry. He said, he doesn't believe in sorry, things happen and you just have to move on.
He left the next day ( a day early) and got out of the car and didn't kiss me goodbye. I visited him in Jan. and that is when we had the fight and he hasn't talk to me since.
I realize now that I probably shouldn't have brought up our R and intimacy issues. Hindsight is 20/20.
