Toot est possible.....

[Sotto]

Hi Twin, after BD we talked quite a bit until I discovered DBing and stopped initiating contact. At this time, I made a list of what seemed to be in 'my box, his box and our box' to work on..

His?
Suppressing own needs & wishes to please others. "I'm a father, husband, employee - but who am I?"
Letting little problems build up into larger ones by not raising/tackling them
Not looking after himself & making himself happy
Long term feelings of "profound loneliness" - possible depression. His own family are in US and he misses them.
Feeling that he would have liked us to have a family together.

Mine?
Trying to be a perfect wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively)

Ours?
We have always been pretty 'low conflict' - both quite accommodating. We've both struggled to raise and resolve issues & we suppress things.
Our love life had become 'routine' - H described it as 'functional' - we lost spontaneity
Relationship has suffered from H working away 3 days/week, long commute & high pressure job - not much energy to do things
Realised we need to communicate better about deeper things.

For me a big 180 has been to not jump in and try to 'fix.' I realised that I tend to think I know best, and that's just crazy. I try to just listen more now.

I've also been working on my perfection tendencies. I try to go with the flow much more now and expect less of myself. I'm trying not to be so driven to 'get things done' and 'just be.'

I was never that sure about the provocative dressing comment, but I feel I look pretty good most of the time. I always put on make up and blow dry my hair and so on. I have changed my look to an extent, but nothing major and TBH I'm pretty happy with how I look.

Another big 180 has been the limited contact, brief and pleasant responses, responding not leading, sitting back, patience. All of this is huge for me!

And finally, I have become more outward looking. I feel I became quite insular with our family and stopped doing many social things. I have started doing that again and have met many new people since we S.

Does that help?? :-)