I second reading DB/DR. It really demonstrates why a M is worth saving. More than that, it talks to how little we can change our spouse, but how much we can change the dynamic by changing ourselves.
I won't tell you not to see a L. What I will tell you is that the urge to "do something" isn't your friend. You will need to be very, very patient. That doesn't mean you never take any action. It means you don't react emotionally, and usually pray and meditate for weeks before making big decisions. The stakes are too high to make flippant decisions. Are you telling H you're consulting a L? If not, how do you suppose he'd take it if he found out you had and hadn't told him? If so, how are you going to explain it? Just make sure you have very good answers to these questions or you might inadvertently escalate the situation.
Getting back to patience, let me ask you this- how long could you stand by your M if your H continued to act this way? Not having an A, not doing anything super destructive...just being a bit off the walls. A week? A month? A year? Forever? Just curious. This may take longer than you like, but the rest of your life is a long time and the years you have together can never be replaced. There is no way to avoid a difficult journey, so I urge you to start thinking of this a long hike and not something that you're going to 'fix' anytime soon. This may be the next stage of your life for a while. I ask because I find making a mental commitment to a block of time (for example, 'no matter what I'll stand by my M for a minimum of one year') makes it somewhat easier. Because then you aren't doing it for him, you're doing it for you.
Anyway, keep posting and take care teach.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
