Hey, uR! Guess what?! I totally get it. I completely understand what you are saying. In fact, I agree.
The thing is, I am one of those who... well, I know "learns the hard way" for sure, but in this instance... learns for myself??
What I mean is, well, actually... remember when I said recently that logically, I understand things, but feel differently emotionally?
This is exactly it! And, until I address things emotionally, I cannot catch up to the logical. This is an interesting concept I have learned about myself. It probably seems crazy to anyone trying to comprehend.
But, truthfully, DB goes against the grain for me. But I did it. Pretty much, right from the get-go. I know I had setbacks, but I pretty much went to LRT. Now, this was all logically thinking, and sometimes my emotions would have to catch up.
This here is a perfect example. I would have never really been able to move forward without letting some of... my personality.. my emotions... be known.
I don't regret it.
I don't have a desire to do it again.
I feel so free.
I prayed and prayed to be free. It was soooo scary for me to want to be over him. I wanted the truth for a long time, but I still hid from some of it.
Had this not happened, I wouldn't have confronted xh. Had that not happened, everything would still be a mystery. Difficult to let go bc I was still holding onto his last words to me.
Maybe not holding onto them, but they were still in my head. So, I have seen something, for the first time, up-close and personal, which is so different.
And ya know what, I know had I heard and seen this a year ago, even with the knowledge of the nuke... I wouldn't have been able to handle it.
But now, I've processed... and I feel so free.
Yeah, maybe it's a cycle... but it is the most free I've felt in... well... ever.
I cried a little this morning. And now, it seems so remote. I know there will be more. I'm not that naïve.
But truthfully, right now, I feel exactly where you said you want me to be. I just don't care. I feel like I had to do that. I don't know why. It was a little bit of me, the real me, in a kiss off to them. The real me... mixed with the new me.
I don't feel afraid. I don't feel scared. I don't feel worried about running into her.
Them... may still be difficult, however... I'm not as intimidated as I was. And I know that is HUGE progress.
I know what you want for me, uR. I love that you do. That you care and take the time to help me with it and see the bigger picture. And I am so excited to realize I am headed there! I just had to add a little bit of me in the process.
So many people here have taken time to really help and support me, and I can't tell you all how much I appreciate it. It is unity that you don't find many places. I am so incredibly humbled by the fact that so many of you will take time out of your day to help me get through the toughest part of the day. Even when I don't always have the fortitude to do the same.
Sometimes during this process, it can be so exhausting, that it is incredibly difficult to post to others. I have been up and down. Sometimes I am at such a low that it is so heartbreaking for me to read the pain others are going through bc I know how difficult it is. So, my point is, that I am so incredibly thankful to those of you who have stuck by me, supported me, chimed in, made me laugh, made me cry, held me accountable, and been a magnificent friend.
This has been one hell of a journey. I know that I have a loooong way to go to be half of who I should be. But I do feel that I have gotten over another obstacle.
I feel such relief.
I am not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but I know I hope it continues!
Oh, and something that may be a little irrelevant at this point, but part of this crazy-train journey I've had the past two weeks...
At the beginning of the week I had a couple of thoughts.
One, I was looking at xh from afar. I questioned if it was actually him I miss... but rather us. I think us... or we... together were way better than what I would see as him independently. That probably makes no sense. I feel badly saying that, bc I do think he WAS a good person, but looking at him now, I don't think I am really missing anything. Just more hurt.
The other thing is that I have been so silent to him (prior to the week's drama) and I was thinking about why I respond to nothing...
I think bc I was afraid that there would only be two responses: one- either I would be so emotional and let it all out (kind of like I ended up doing??????!!!!!!) or two- because I would be friendly and fall right into my "role" and supply him with whatever he wanted/needed. With words, actions... whatever... just automatically trust him! Isn't that weird? I feel like talking to him is like a trance... I would give him whatever information he would ask for!
And thinking about how I confronted him, and in the manner I did at d14's game... was SOOOOO out of character from our dynamic- ever... he was caught WAY off guard. In fact, he was totally dumbfounded and speechless and blubbery when I approached him initially.
And honestly, I love it. I love that he know he cannot control my actions anymore!
