first post; my story

[sandi2]

Hi Kembo, I'm glad you found the DB board, but sorry for your situation. If you will stay with us, I believe you will discover this is a great group of supports, as well as a source of valuable information for you.

If you read other threads on the board, you will find how similar your story is with the majority of the men here. Of course, most people think their situation is a little different, but for the most part, whenever there is a wayward wife involved.......the core problems are the same.

I also notice many men say they have a very stubborn WW. Well, WW's don't come much more stubborn and prideful as I was, however, my M was eventually saved, and yours can be saved, too.

I truly was in the minority when I arrived. I was wayward, had shut down my M, and was in an A. Wasn't trying to save my M when I first posted, but needed someone to talk to me and help me sort things out. They did! I have stuck around all these years to hopefully pay it forward.

This situation of yours will not end quickly. There is no way of knowing how long it could take before reconciling. I want you to know right here & now, that even though you can't control her.......your actions has tremdous influence on how this will go. Some LBH's tells himself, "There is nothing I can do, since I can't control her, so I will just have to wait till she comes out of it". When I see a statement like that made, I'm thinking that man has the wrong idea about this whole thing.

First of all, if you wait around, thinking she will eventually get "over it" or "come to her senses"......or whatever, you will probably have a miserable life in store for you. In other words, it is setting yourself up for defeat.

You need to enter into a protection mode, and you're the one you will be protecting. Your focus must be on your health, keeping emotionally balanced, work to have a new social life, strive to meet personal goals, stay active, find your inner strength, and build your confidence. Study the link Cadet gave you that explains DBing detachment and don't just assume you already know what it means to detach.

I don't know your ages, but I doubt your W is in any kind of pre-MLC. She is in an A, and will tell you anything to throw the spotlight on something other than the fact she is scr@wing another guy.

Not to insult your intelligence whatsoever, but if you will look up the synonyms of wayward woman, you may find it interesting.

You cannot trust her right now. All cheaters lie.

I'm still having a hard time accepting her emotions are going to be all over the place. She seemed to be in a good mood yesterday and seemed to be somewhat seeking out my attention, but I leave and then come home from a meeting and she just seems annoyed at me and thinks what we are doing is a waste of time

Prime example of why a H has to detach (DBing style) from his WW. She will always operate out of her emotions (which will continue to be like a roller coaster). If you base your day, decisions, moods, etc., on her however she's feeling that day.........you are in for a terrible ordeal. Have no expectations of her feeling better toward you or the MR anytime soon. It just does not happen that way. Ever! Your job is to go on with living your life and not allow her feelings to rule you.

Okay, so all that stuff you said, or she said, about what you had done wrong in the MR previously (selfishness, etc.) you need to make it a goal for personal improvement. But here's the thing, she is using all those things as her excuse now. I'm sure it was not great for the MR, and it would have been smart if you had corrected these things in the past. Like I said, it played a part in things reaching this point, but right now......her waywardness is the biggest problem. You could be become what you think she wants overnight, yet it would not change anything in the M, b/c she would still be wayward. As long as she's wayward, the problem will continue.

Many men start doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the child care, everything on the home front. Why men think that is being the perfect H, I will never know! So, don't start doing 100% of all the chores, thinking it is winning her back.

I need to close this post, but if you don't understand anything I've said, please ask.