Heartbreak Warfare

[V2pt0]

Yes, certainly a rollercoaster ride this week. Started out beginning of week great with detaching, but overcome by serious case of blues late this week. Did not help that I missed a couple of workouts and no IC last Saturday.

Met with IC today and bootcamp Thursday and Friday lifted spirits a little. Just a little taken a back by serious levels of sadness and loneliness this week. I do think that I am getting too much hope up after my H and I have good days.

Like last night for example, I probably did bad job of DBing, but when H unexpectantly came home on a Friday at 6pm, I was pleasantly surprised. I was reading, but was friendly and cheerful when he came in. He was friendly, but a little distant. After a few minutes, I got up and said I was going to pick up take out and did he want anything. He ended up deciding to come with me. Brought food back and ate together. I moved to sofa and he pulled up chair and we ended up having a 3 1/2 hour friendly conversation (no R talk). I think H was even surprised by how long we had been sitting there. It turned into a pretty great evening that I was not anticipating. He continually makes references to future in house that imply us still being there in the fall - i.e. maintainence projects and that when things slow down at work he can be around more. No references of being apart, D or other. This morning he was back to being him friendly self that I saw last weekend.

So, now I seemed to have successfully changed two behaviors on a consistent basis and I think H is noticing:

1. 100% engagement. I have been sure to repeat things he has shared weeks earlier to emphasize I am present and listening.
2. Conversation. We have been having quite a few 1, 2, 3 hour chats with ease. Clearly, there is not an issue with my personality and conversation skills. This was one of the issues my H brought up on BD day.

While this is all well and good, I do feel it is causing me to want and expect more than H is willing to give right now. While he generally has been one to initiate, it is all very controlled and on his time. Making it hard to stay detached as Cadet indicated might be the case. When he talks about new work colleagues, I wonder if I will ever gave opp to meet them. He also is making conscious choice to choose doing things more with them than me. Which us ok since I used the time for IC and mani/pedi today. I just need to reign in expectations and stay somewhat detached.