Thanks guys. Here's the thing. I actually feel so much better and empowered now. Not that I'm Billy Bad-ass or anything, but that I got in her head.
I wasn't trying to change her thinking. I know that is impossible. I just wanted to embarrass her. She thinks she is perfect and that everyone adores her. That she can do no wrong.
In fact, that was part of xh's robot response. "She didn't do anything. It was me. I did this." Which I totally agreed that HE did this, but she was totally aware he was married with a family. So, if I go out (while in a r myself, with a child), and start a r with a married man with a family I am not accountable for my actions?
I believe totally that she is so in his head. That she BLAMES everything on him, bc she has a lifetime history of being totally unaccountable. Even he said that to me. That she will never get it. That she will always think she is right. She will never admit to doing anything wrong.
With that, I believe she sees me as a threat and has totally gotten in his head about me. Will this support her case? Yup. Do I care? Nope.
Will I do this again? No. I just don't care anymore. It was a blessing! I believe this! I got in her head. She was embarrassed. Yeah, she got another opportunity to be a victim... but she will be for the rest of her life, so what do I care? I know, some of you think I should be embarrassed by my own behavior, but really, I don't care either. Doesn't mean I'm going to act like that all the time, but... it felt good. Maybe just short term? Well, perhaps, but I needed something to move me along... keep me going. This was very eye-opening.
I am so shocked, above everything, you guys, at how messed up he is. It was a few months ago that I told him I needed space. He was a mess then. He kept looking at me to solve his problems, but did not want to be accountable for anything. He just kept saying, "I don't know what I'm doing." It was making me crazy and I knew I needed to step away and let him figure it out. He was a mess.
But it is soooo evident what happened. And I have never seen anything like it. I have read about narcissism. She is a screaming-hot narcissist. To the max. And what they can do to strong, independent people whom they are in a r with is unbelievable. When xh went back there, he was weak, lost, confused, and looking for someone to figure it out for him. Wow. I cannot believe what has happened to him in the past 4 months.
Please understand I am not saying this to take away his accountability. Not at all. I just cant get it out of my mind how.... gone... he is. He seriously could not look at me. He was trying to flee like crazy. He couldn't respond. And when he did look at me, he was dead. Totally dead. And it wasn't like he was passionate about protecting her or anything. Like a robot... without any... umph.
Well, with all of this, I have gained great insight. I still want to avoid them like crazy, don't get me wrong. But, I'm not worried about going anywhere (I don't think... time will tell). I do want them to get the clear picture that I don't care about them. That I don't want to have anything to do with them, but even through actions, there is no way for them to comprehend that. It is their world and they think that's all people are on this planet for... to worry about them. I don't think so.
He is a coward. He does not take into consideration what he does to the three people who have loved him more than anyone else has- ever. He says he's "not going anywhere." Well, that's on him. My poor d. But, we will work it out.
They can blame me all they want for everything, including my children. Even though they tell him, straight-up. Like when he told the kids about the baby and they totally flipped! I wasn't there, nor did I know he was telling them then. He saw their reaction, knows their thoughts (as he says, "I'm a grown man; I can do whatever I want.") And yet, I have put things in their heads.
Somewhere deep down, he knows the truth. It's easier to ignore it. Blame me. Do as he is told. Like a prisoner. Prisoners don't have fun. And for her... if that's what she needs to have a man.... manipulate, lie, scold, threaten, guilt... well, have fun. You've found the right one.
I mean, you guys have freaked me out a little. I will follow up with some people who I know. I will not leave myself open and vulnerable. I do know I could really up the anti, but honestly, I just don't have the energy, time, nor care for their mess. They sukk. They can have their great life. I don't care anymore!
I think that's a really good thing!
I feel like I had more thoughts, but I'm also distracted with other things. If it comes back... I'll be back.
