Stuck On You

[Raine]

Hey guys, thanks so much for your comments. I am feeling so much better now. H and I talk a lot. We have talked more about this stuff than I have ever seen others do. That has a lot more to do with me. And also a lot of the reason I was getting frustrated with feeling angry, because there really isn't anything left to talk about. I know H doesn't want to talk about stuff, but is willing to, even though he feels like all we are doing is dragging up stuff already dealt with. He wants me to be in a good place, but yes he is the type to bury things. He doesn't want to talk about the OW because he doesn't think about her. The only time she comes to mind is when I bring her up. He feels bad about it and guilty and he doesn't like who he was. It is a reminder to him that he feels he is/was a terrible person.

So the night after I posted this, I read him out what I said, and some of the comments here and outside of here. The line that had the biggest impact "ah ha" on me was Mach saying this to me:

"Maybe find a way to be thankful to this Woman, for her Love and support for your Husband, during one of the most difficult periods of his life. Find a way to love the person, yet repulse the sin. She isn't you, she will never be you. She will never have what you have, the history, the children.....the life. Yet she helped him choose YOU Raine.....She helped him, to choose you for the second time in your life...."

Even H was pretty wow'd by that one. I think in so many aspects of this whole ordeal I have always pushed myself to focus on the positives. This was one that I hadn't, until Mach said that. It was a huge turning point for me. There are positives in every situation. We just have to find them. I felt like a huge weight was lifted.

It also brought me back to the truth, with H's reminder of it. H gave up a relationship with the OW who was willing to do anything to be with him, to just have a friendship with me. He felt he had destroyed anything more than that, but he was willing to give up the OW just to have that small part of me. He also clarified that he felt that the person he was back then, when we were separated, felt that he had something special with the OW, but the person he is now doesn't think so, he hasn't for a long time. Otherwise he wouldn't have cut her out of his life just to make sure I would be his friend. At that point he was willing to never have a relationship with anyone again if doing so meant he wouldn't be friends with me. That definitely helped me to step back and drop a lot of this anger. This was stuff I already knew, stuff he had already said. And maybe in the stress of everything that is now, it had just lost sight of it and was focusing on the wrong things. I felt like we were on opposite sides of something and that felt like a wedge between us. I feel a lot better about that now.

I don't want to do IC right now. I feel I'm in a really good place. MC sounds exhausting to me. It feels like dragging up a bunch of stuff we spent so much time working through together. I really doubt that we could work through things better there than we are already together. I do think that it would be good for H to get back to IC to work on past issues, and he is already setup to do that.

I don't think piecing has been the hardest part for me. It has been really rewarding and comforting, but I think that has a lot to do with him and how he is all in. We don't fight about things, and not because we don't disagree, but we are both willing to listen to the other person, put the other one first, and we let each other know when something is bothering us. He has been completely honest, which sometimes isn't the easiest thing, but it helps me build trust with him.

Thanks again for all this wonderful advice, love and support. It made a huge impact on me.