She has chosen confusion. She has chosen to stay undecided about everything another day. She's not sure what she wants. She may know she can't imagine not talking to OM another minute or day or they may be wrapping things up and having dangerous "closure" contact (dangerous because often the affair just reignites). She also may know she's having trouble imagining a life without Defacto and she doesn't like the idea that he may or may not be dating someone himself. She may have split emotions about the thought that defacto could be dating someone else because on one hand it means he's now ALSO a an adulterer (less shame/guilt for her) while also Defacto is moving on, accepted the inevitable divorce and is better off without her but on the other, she doesn't want some other woman around her kids or taking her man.
All mind reading and really difficult to pinpoint. Waywards are all over the place so part of detaching is really not worrying about it or listening to it. You can't argue with a wayward or teach a wayward so it's really just about listening and being around them as much as you can. Which is why I keep encouraging Defacto to spend time with her, invite her places, without being needy or overly concerned if she says "no" (like she has the last few days).
Defacto - don't expect or even act concerned about why she's cancelled or not available. Don't ask her to report in. Make the presumption that she'd rather be with you than anybody else (self confidence wise because she'd be a fool not to want to be with you) and if she doesn't show or want to come...her loss. No expectations. Simply tell her she's missing out on a lot of fun and good times. Being around you should be fun. Nothing serious. If serious conversation ensues it's because SHE started it. Then you hyper focus on her and her needs, listening intently, validating and mirroring her until the conversation drags...then go back to having fun.
I've also been thinking about a response to the next time she says something like "I'm having second thoughts". Perhaps an alternative would be something like "having 'second thoughts' is a nice comment that you keep making but what does it mean? Am I supposed to beg you to choose me? Am I supposed to be excited by the comment? I just don't know what to do with that comment so I guess I'm left with asking you "what's your plan?" and if you don't have one, would you be open to discussing a plan of specific actions you could take to make me receptive towards actually believing these "second thoughts" are more than just empty words."
Your Plan: 1. No Contact with OM.
a. Send him a "no contact" letter b. Send OM's wife an apology letter promising to never interfere with their marriage and family again c. Pursue changing jobs completely away from OM (this doesn't have to happen overnight but actions and progress should be spelled out specifically)
2. Put filing divorce on hold until Fall, at the least. (NEITHER of you are committing to recovery right now, it's simply agreeing to delay the filing of the divorce until much later this year.
3. Moving back in together by the end of June or July (it's really hard to recover while separated but at the same time it might be really hard on DD4 if she moves home and then back out shortly thereafter. It'd be nice to know you are actually recovering versus just delaying the divorce before she moved back home. Thus, you may leave this off the table up front. She's at her parents so it's not like you have to be trust that OM isn't sneaking into some apartment in the middle of the night.
4. Commit to spending as much time together as possible with AND without the children.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
