Heavy D, Thanks for the feedback. I totally agree we need a structured parenting plan. Right now, because my STBX works overnight and I work during the day, I watch the kids when she works and she has them when she's off from work. I think part of me has resisted discussing a parenting plan with her because it felt related to a D. If we had a three days on, three days off type deal, I'd be worried about who would watch kids when STBX is working. Plus, right now, MIL fills in the gaps (like when I am at work and STBX is sleeping after work). It's all whacked out!
Any recommendations on my current deal for tomorrow? My current thought is to not ask about it but if STBX brings it up, I could say something like, "That's a possibility. What did you have in mind?"
1. It sounds to me like your current situation has the kids mostly sleeping at your place. As far as the courts are concerned (and the IRS) where the children sleep is what counts as "custody". If they are sleeping mostly or always at your house this is a good deal for you and you might not want to rock the boat. It's a decent setup towards you arguing for and winning "primary" custody should the divorce case proceed and a custody dispute result.
2. I don't think you should ask her what her plans are. It's weak to let her dictate the plan. IF you are going to spend time together (and why not take more of her time with your children) then come up with an idea that your wife can tag along to. Have her following YOUR lead (or not, her choice to tag along or not):
Idea 1: Well there's this pottery place where kids and parents can make art tougher that I was considering taking DD4 to someday to make some stuff, how about we all go over there tomorrow and give it a shot.
Idea 2: Find a local little carnival. I live is a big city and you can find a carnival going on somewhere in town just about any weekend.
Idea 3: Just meet for lunch after your haircut; maybe Chuck e cheese.
Give wife short spurts of focused attention but then focus on your daughter and let her observe you. This is why you want a fun place with lots of distractions.
I wouldn't suggest driving together anywhere. Meet her (and the kids) there so you can make a timely exit.
Instead of an awkward goodbye...call for "family hug" and then leave without turning back (or just waving to your daughter).
Don't say you have somewhere to be or an appointment but look at your watch and make it seem like you are acting like you don't have somewhere to be...but really do have somewhere to be at a certain time.
Drive away the opposite direction from the direction you'd be expected to go home.
3. I'd drop the ticked off attitude towards her. Your marriage is dying and your wife is off in wayward la la land. If there is any hope for your marriage you need to be that lighthouse for her guiding her back to the marriage. Sure, she may not come back but you really don't know if she's seeing OM or just talking to him a bit on the phone. Being snippy with her only helps her justify and rationalize divorcing you and feeling OK about that decision. She said she was having second thoughts. Some way wards just say that and do nothing whereas others actually begin down a slow painful path towards recovery. You don't know but being a great guy is what you are better at. It's more attractive and more likely to make her think harder about what she's doing...MAYBE....no expectations.
4. OM's wife: Text "Sorry for bothering you again. I know they probably told you I was this angry vindictive and maybe even abusive husband that your husband just had to support my wife in leaving but please understand that people in affairs ALL say that. It's a lie. I am not abusive or controlling in the least. I simply love my family and I'm fighting for my marriage. You say you just want to "move on" and I wish it were that easy. Neither of us can do that if they are continuing their affair. The reality of the situation is we need to work together just a little to make sure neither of us are getting played. I'd simply like to speak with you to confirm some information and compare notes as I don't trust sending texts because I can't be sure it is you receiving it. If you are uncomfortable about this maybe three way in your mother or sister and we can all help make some sense of this situation."
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
