I find it interesting that moves became such major issues in both of our marriages. To me, its just a necessary part of life. I have asked myself if I had to do it all over again, would I move again. And honestly, this has been a great move for me and the girls. We're in a beautiful part of the country, excellent employment opportunities, very good schools and I cannot overstate how nice it has been to live near family. And if we hadn't moved - maybe this all would have happened anyway, possibly just later down the road.
You know what I can't help but be irritated by? Some of these other issues I contributed to - and I could have addressed them in a more positive and constructive way. But with the move? I did ask. I asked multiple times. I asked if he was ok with it, I asked for his opinion and if it was making him miserable. And all he did was reassure. So I feel an extra layer of betrayal on that one.
I thought more after my initial post and I do have to add a few more things.
I heard a radio program shortly after BD that said a stressful time for many marriages is after the birth of the second child. There's a lot of work with the first child of course, but it's also all new, full of novelty and firsts. Once the second one comes a long all of these things can become more of a grind. That was definitely the case for STBX. He was a fantastic helper when D7 was a baby - not so much with D3. And to make matters worse, D3 screamed like a banshee whenever he tried to hold her if I was in the room. She just had a clear preference for me. It upset him greatly. I don't blame him for that- it would have been hard for me to. But I did feel some resentment about it start to radiate in my direction. And you know - he's never bonded with her the way he has with D7.
And then there is OW1. She was a parole officer as well. She was married and was helping her husband through medical school with the assumption that once he graduated she wouldn't work any longer. He graduated, informed her there was an OW and divorced her. This happened about 2 months before we started the move here. So she was in a very needy vulnerable place, apparently so was STBX and that was a combustible combination. I know there were issues but sometimes I think that it was like a slow burning fire that we could have extinguished until gasoline got thrown on it. And once he started down that road- well, there's been a lot of guilt, shame and hostility. Even if he wanted to extricate himself somewhere along the way, I don't think he knew how. BTW - I try not to give too much headspace to STBX's affair partners. But I have to say that about the last thing I would do to seek solace right now is to insert myself into a situation where I would contribute to the destruction of someone else's marriage and family and I find it really distasteful that she did so.
Finally - I always felt like STBX put me on a pedestal which I was never comfortable with. We certainly had issues but I always felt secure and loved - right up until we figured out the move and he started the affair and things changed abruptly. There have been moments since BD, where I have actually thought I felt hatred coming from him (although not since I agreed to the divorce).
Tonight was a softball game. He bailed before the last inning was played. D7 cried her little eyes out when he left ("Why does Daddy have to go to his other girl?")Yes - these games are a snore and its kind of uncomfortable but it means a lot to her that we are there - would it kill him to stick it out for another twenty minutes? Things like that make me want to go medieval on him.
Betsey- I'm inspired that you were able to get to a positive place with your XH. From where I sit right now - its pretty hard to imagine.
