Thanks for the prayers. I need them. I think what frustrates me most is why he is resistant. Now that we have aired the issues it is so easy and pleasant. I agree he is scared. He has said it in counseling. I am trying to remind myself he needs space and time also. He is emotionally attached to another girl at his work. He acknowledges it isn't about her, but what our relationship is missing. Hard to fill that when she is always texting and he reponds.
It has only been 10 days since the EA was found. He has more positive changes since then than in the first two months since the BD. I keep praying for patience and to understand what I need to learn.
Thanks for the comments. It really gives me something to look forward to!
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
I have seen daily steps in the right direction. Actions showing kindness and conscious choice to do what is right for the family.
The EA still texts and he refuses to give her up stating she makes him happy and it isn't about her. He is suppose to take our son to a work baseball game tomorrow and I asked for reassurance she wouldn't be there.
It spiraled into a sad conversation around how he is just unwilling to try. Stating he has tried in the past and that is why he moved on. I knew he was not ready to commit and wasn't even going to check for another few weeks. He just buckled down to verify his belief that he will never love me again.
It just boggles my mind as we had therapy yesterday on our coparenting. We go every week under the agreement to work together for our son. We managed to right our parenting issues in 2 weeks and even the counselor asked "what does that say about a relationship that can work together and correct an imbalance admist all this crisis?" He cautioned us to think about that before throwing it all away.
I am happy I spoke up about my insecurities around the game because we have to work on clear expectations and honesty. I am bummed I didn't just shut it down from there.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
Our conversation ended with me saying "it is out of my control. F it" (he is unwilling to stop talking with his EA because "she makes me happy") He froze up and asked what that meant, but was late for work. He said we would talk and I woke up to a text asking me to call.
He wanted to share that he was not opposed to the marriage working(HUGE shift from the man that said it was pointless and we will never work) but his heart was not in it yet. He says his heart would not be in it with or with out the EA, but we all know that complicates things.
Continuing to GAL, trying to ignore the EA and clarify my action based requests.also speaking his love language daily. Grant me the strength and PATIENCE!!!
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
After this mornings confession, he came home tonight to say he was going out with her. He swears it is not a date because it isn't going anywhere and they just enjoy each other's company. I am so angry and so hurt. He repeated what he said this am which is "I told you I am not ready"
Why must I sit here alone watching him date someone else. How can he continue to be so cruel.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
Lynn - I'm sorry that you're in this position. There's nothing that anyone here can say that will make it any easier to watch your H go out to see another woman. Just remember that his actions aren't about YOU. He is just as confused and scared and hurt as you are and is trying to find his own way.
The best advice I can give is to use this time to focus on yourself - to discover the things you like and don't like about who you are now and to implement improvements to make you who you want to be. You can become the best version of you possible. That doesn't take the hurt away immediately, but as you feel better about yourself, you realize that you don't need your H to make you feel happiness any more.
Also, it's important to remember that this whole process is a LONG one. Your M didn't get to this point in a couple weeks/months - it won't get "fixed" in a couple weeks/months. So there will be good days and bad days, ups and downs. But if you can stay the course and trust in the process, you'll find happiness and peace in the end...with or without your H.
I know I need patience and yet when I saw small steps I wanted more. I fell into old habits of focussing on the EA so it was no shocker that by time we got to therapy he was done and shut down. Crazy to believe one week prior it was a therapy high of amazing agreement and possibility.
Flash forward a week and I dropped the ball. Back on the horse and focused on detachment. Big win was he acknowledged that when we first had problems he felt like a failure and my continued statement of faith it will work if he just tried made him feel like a failure again. He repeats over and over that he doesn't know why he feels this way or how he can get it to change. He is lost in his fear of failure.
Stepping away. GAL and letting go.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like you have been getting some great support from the online community and your co parenting therapist. Everything you say and everything you do needs to be very strategic, especially while his position is so up and down. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I am wondering how often you reasses goals? He is hitting most of the goals I set but obviously is not ready yet. Do I leave those same goals and "what would I see him doing?" Do I need to set higher goals?
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
