What just happened? Kramer's journey continues

[Kramer]

Sandi,

Again, thank you for your detailed responses and interest in my situation. It may not seem like it, but I sincerely value your input and perspective.

Let's just get this on the table: I know this was nothing more than a booty call. I knew what her thoughts were when she originally texted me. I also know that her attire was all part of the plan. It may not seem like it because of some of my actions, but I'm a smart guy. I had no doubt of her intent.

I still don't know the motive, but it's not really the point. I think she is spinning and out of control. I don't think that her affair is over, but definitely cracks in the facade. I think that she is feeling overwhelmed by the results of her actions. She is a 46 year old woman that is now supporting herself and Agee adult children and new grandchild. Her OM has put the brakes on her fairy tale, at least for the moment. She is having to handle all of the stresses that I took care of in the marriage when we were together. Oh, and let's not forget that there are upcoming deadlines brought on by her filing for divorce. AND she will likely lose half of her 401k and pension.

I certainly don't think that this interaction was based on love on her part. It was sex. I get that. I accept that. I agree with that. I'm ok with that. Because I was able to portray to her that it meant something different to ME, not HER. That makes me a better person.

It's hard to put down in words, but I will try. This is something that I needed for some semblance of closure. I didn't want to go through life with such horrible memories of the last few months of our relationship. I realize that in her mind, she was likely fulfilling a need and using me. But, to be honest, I also needed to fill a need. Not just a need for sex and companionship, but also as a sense of redemption and desire ability. The whole affair and divorce filing completely blindsided me and shattered my self confidence. In a weird sort of way, this interaction fed my ego and satisfied my needs. And if we don't make it, I at least have a good memory of our final time together.

Having said all that, I also realize that I need to buckle down and DB my heart out from here on. My wife may never be able to do the hard work necessary to reconcile. That's on her. As for me, I will continue to work on self improvement and myself. The thing is, I now know that I will be alright either way this pans out. I will not give up on my wife and our marriage, but at least now I don't feel so lost, helpless, lonely, and afraid.