The new normal

[Zues126]

Thanks Nole. Long road.

Py- one reason I could never look at my STBX and say "this is unforgivable, we could never come back from here"- I was upset when she walked. I felt we could work it out. Feelings could change. M is precious. Etc. How can I be disappointed with her for walking away because she believed feelings couldn't change, if once she does I get so hurt I start buying into the same thing? Yes, I get boundaries. I get not putting yourself in an abusive R. I get wanted to see signs that a new M would be different, that it wouldn't repeat. And I get not wanting to stunt your own growth clinging to someone else's behavior...but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is just letting the future be the future. You get it, I just think this point of view helps. Oh- glad you're doing better!

So today was interesting. A few months ago a female colleague that I had never met but communicated with via email started getting a little personal. Started by asking me my age, then little by little asking about my family, sniffing around a bit. We weren't flirty outright, but she was definitely very engaged in our exchanges. Well, I found out she was separated with an alcoholic H that had moved out. She wasn't sure if she wanted him to move back in, and he was potentially doing a few weeks in jail. All of her friends said to move on. I told her absolutely not. She is young (27-28ish), has a kid with him, and I said she can sit tight for a year and see if he pulls his stuff together. I preached a bit of DB stuff at her and told her not to listen to friends/family, STFU and be patient. Sure enough, he is sober 2 months, has moved back in, and from what she said they are taking steps in the right direction. I pretty much ended communication at that point because there are serious boundaries in play that I was already crossing (talking to opposite sex about R). My only justification is that I stood up for her M and then backed off.

Anyway, I haven't really communicated with her since. But I'll admit it had been very flattering to have her express some interest, even if it wasn't appropriate. So today I had to meet her for the first time face to face. I was just praying she'd be unattractive. Fail. She was absolutely beautiful. Like a damn Disney princess. Now look. I am not superficial and looks haven't really mattered to me in the past. And you guys know me well enough to know that I'm not looking for a fancy shell. I want a partner that brings quality. But that's my point. I know all of this, and it still woke up some feelings of desire I haven't had for a while.

Now don't worry, I'm not acting on them for many reasons (she's M, I'm M, she's probably not interested now that her M is better, etc) and I never did act on them. But it was a reminder of how powerful that sense of connection can be, and how powerful that sense of attraction can be. It actually helped me feel more compassion for my WAW. Considering that she felt her M was doomed, that she'd never be happy, that she was stuck...if some guy came along and started expressing interest, waking up those feelings...I can get why she'd chase the dream.

I know enough to not do that because I know it's a mirage that will fade away and leave broken people, broken lives, and be built on a foundation of sand. But man. Powerful stuff.

So one more reason to forgive our WAS's. And also...one more reason to have hope for the future. I hope to have those feelings again someday- SOME OF THE TIME- whether it is with my STBX or with someone else. Yes, that's not what I'm chasing. I want a good partner that will go the distance. I want to plan for the worst...but I don't mind hoping for the best.