TLEE86 Part IV

[TLEE86]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and checking in- you especially Pink.

This is probably going to be my last post for a while, I just don't know what to say anymore and what to do. I've also deactivated my FB and maybe just get away from social media and the internet and what not for some time.
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Im just at a loss. Feeling hopeless and directionless. Man my W can really talk. But thats all she is right now, all talk, no action.

It's been 2.5 weeks since she left this second time, and we go back and forth and she usually texts me everyday. But she stopped calling. Ive called her a couple times and both times she's been pretty emotional. Lately it sounds like she's comparing the two places, saying things like she misses her bed, the dogs, just alot of things...that she is tired of waking up everyday with no purpose and feeling lost and directionless herself. She tells me things like now that she's seen both places, she almost wishes she didnt like Texas because it was easier to make it some horrible place but now she realizes she likes it. Tells me after I get back from some training in a month she will think about possibly coming back, no guarantees but she says she will see where she's at and we'll talk.

But this is all talk. She continues to show me I am not a priority in her life and that come hell or high water, she will stick to this course of action she is on, no matter what the cost or if its the right thing to do.

When we talk, it seems like there is hope for the future. Yet her actions show something different. I am tired of being her backup plan, probably not even her second priority. I am tired of breaking my back and bending over backwards for her. I am trying to show change. Trying to show her that she is a priority in my life, that things will be different this time around.

I know she's all over the place, she's confused, she's emotional, everything. But I am tired of being her backup plan. Maybe this is how she felt for so long that drove her to leave. Maybe I deserve this because karma's a bitch and it comes around.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. So many things in my life I have to re-evaluate and ask if I'm truly happy doing what Im doing and the path that I am on. Right now, I can firmly say No. There isn't anything I am happy about. Some things are going well, but that doesnt mean its what I want.

I don't know anything anymore. Thank you guys again for everything.