Back a couple of months ago, STBX was still interested in reconciling. I remember that conversation as she didn't want a D. I said that I was of course willing to try as well.
But even when she said that, she was still in contact with the OM. Everytime I found out that she was texting or talking or even meeting with him, I detached from the reconciliation. She said that she couldn't take it when I "blew up".
I asked her... why? You know that reconciliation can't happen unless there is zero contact. Your sister said it, your IC said it... why? To this day the only answer I got was "It's hard".
She told me that they broke up several times. They even went weeks without contact. She said that he will go and find a new woman eventually. She had even written him a no contact letter. She broke her own letter and he happily responded. I said if he doesn't want to be with you, why does he continue to contact? She said that he was lonely.
She said that the one time she did use an IC, they talked about the A. I GUESS that's when the breakups and NC letter came about.
What else.
They now happily see eachother. I asked her if there is a future with him and she said no. I really don't believe that.
I tried to save our M and our family. This forum, the books, the IC sessions, the coach sessions, and my support groups attest to my efforts to work toward improving myself and saving our M. I put the effort in. Not for house or kids, but for you. Because I wanted you back.
I really think that you tried as well. So thank you. But you could never break away from him. You could not break away from the amplified past you rewrote. You could not break away from your own personal issues brought about by growing up in an abusive and loveless family. You could never break away from crossing the line. You could never break away from your inability to forgive.
I didn't ask you to believe me. But do impartial research into your situation. But you didn't. You just looked up on things about how to D, and how people are happier after D. But I don't know, you never shared what you looked up.
You said that you got gov't sponsored psychiatric care. I went to my doctor today who has known me since I was delivered. He said that sort of thing only comes with threat of suicide or severe, debilitating depression. I'm not sure how you pulled that off. Unless you really are severely depressed.
I gather that you wanted to save our M while holding onto the OM at the same time.
You don't want anyone to know about your A. Yet you speak aloud about how there is nothing wrong with it.
You once told me, and I quote "You don't like the truth" "You can't control yourself". You denied saying all those things.
You told me that you have completely changed. No you haven't. You've grown, you've gotten more life experience, but you are at your core, the same person.
What else...
I guess you never saw me in pain. That is because of DB. You look at me sometimes like you want something from me. Is it guilt? Is it pity? Is it because you want me to save you?
You have broken our family. I can understand why that is not a big deal for you. Maybe one day you'll understand why it's not a big deal for you.
You said that I don't share my knowledge. I hear you. You said that I am critical. I understand. You said that the words "You are personally responsible for your life" was criticism. Okay, I hear the harshness in that.
You said you didn't know who I was anymore. You said that you don't trust me anymore.
I hear that.
But in all this. Have you heard one single thing about my side of the story?
To this day, you still don't know why I was not happy. And to this day, you still never cared.
