Old dog seeks new trick 14

[Old Dog]

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. The thing is I know it all but still can't shake it.

Cadet If I'd never met her, I wouldn't have had those kids, but maybe I'd have others. Does that sound bad? I love my kids, they're wonderful, I really really miss them (and her), but I wanted someone who was as loyal as me.

I don't think she is sick. I think she has thought about this long and hard, weighed it up and waited until the she thought the kids would be OK. The fact that there are alternative options never got a look in because she didn't know about them. In the same that I failed to be a good enough husband because I didn't know how and never had guidance.

Glad you got the book. I read a bit more today.

SunnyB I never show any sign of my dark mood when I'm with my kids. In truth, they help me enormously just by being there. I am happy with them, take an interest in what they're doing, have a laugh with them and try and think of activities we can do together. All the while though, I want to tell them that it is not OK to just give up on a marriage in search of ... what? But this has to wait. They will know though, one day.

rd I know it's not healthy. Crikey, how I'd like to stop. I've been listening to my mindfullness podcast and self improvement podcast and try and practice. It helps for a while and then it all comes flooding back. It's just there, waiting in the background, ready to take over again.

It will go, I know, and hasn't been as bad before. It's that Kubler Ross grief curve thing. I did have an IC. Today was the last appointment: it was an NHS thing but you only get so many sessions. He is confident I can move on (I hate using that expression as she used it on me) but says it just takes time.

I will get another IC now but I'll have to pay for that. I've also arranged a call to DB coach Chuck next week but I'm not sure what I'll have to discuss actually as I have no contact with WW at all other tan very brief texts or emails. In my low state of mind I think I can't do this DB thing, just like I can't do many other things.

And dearest Toots, you are so good at picking people up off the floor. I'm sorry your H ignored your birthday and anniversary. WW ignore our anniversary last July. I made a card with pics of the boys on. I didn't expect anything and I was correct to assume that. I wish I hadn't got anything for her birthday earlier this year though. Why did I do that?

Yes, there is a lot of blame towards her. Not really too much towards him though: she will have spoonfed him her lie. I still want to punch him though for getting involved with someone else's wife. I started off blaming myself for almost all of it before realising it's not all my fault. Yes, I wasn't good enough as a husband, but you don't just walk out, you try and learn and resolve it.

I do keep these outbursts pretty much to myself or on here. But it's what I'm feeling, it's my reality right now. I know it's not good, there will be no chance of reconciliation, and it doesn't make it any better and I'm embarrassed by it. I would like to find peace but how?