I didn't want to see WW. As I've explained before, the mere sight of her reignites everything in me, brings me back to BD emotionally. I find her beautiful, attractive, fun, bright, etc. I jut can't combine that in my head with what she's been doing over the last eight months. So I love her, as if nothing happened, except more because she's unattainable.
When she joined D3 and me in line, she was chatty and normal, mentioned again how she used my expertise to shine at work this week. She was trying to engage. I responded, tried to add a bit, ask a few questions, but the energy wasn't there. All I could see was that she was right there, yet there was a glass wall between us. She tried to engage a little more, but I really didn't have much to say. We sat with D3 in the middle of us and didn't talk for 5-10 minutes until the show started. She politely asked about my parents and I politely answered.
I knew I was going to be emotional because these shows do that to me. I almost always shed a tear. I'm a proud father and family man and now this was the first time since BD that all four of us were together. It was a lot for me to bear, this pretend family. So when the lights went out and the show started, my eyes welled up. After a few minutes, the tears rolled down my face. I thought I was real subtle, but then WW turned towards me and asked if I wanted a tissue... Note that D7 was nowhere in sight and wouldn't appear on stage for another 40 minutes or so. There's been a lot more silent crying in the two hours, with greater intensity when D7 was on stage of course. The show was so impressive (Les Miz!).
When the show was over, we didn't talk much either, just some logistics, we went to see D7 and then WW left with a distant goodbye. D3 especially was upset to see her go. Both kids missed their mom when they went to sleep. I'm not used to it (our no-contact policy works well) and it was upsetting for me as well. I had a horrible evening with lots of crying, but I chatted with my best friend and called my parents. Now, I live to fight another day.
I'm not proud of myself. I go around these boards telling people how all of this is unattractive, that they have to be strong, put up an act. I'm put to the test once in months and I can't keep it together. I didn't DB last night. Oh, I know: no single act can sink my case. But I also know that you can't accumulate strikes or goals against and hope to win the game. I really wish I didn't slip last night.
I need to detach but no amount of GALing seems to work when she's in front of me. It's like Superman lifting weights to protect against kryptonite.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
