I'm baaaacckkk. I read your post yesterday but didn't get a chance to write until today. Now I'm happy I waited. Very detailed post mortem. I like it.
I think you did a great job with it. And my guess is that you're right. Personally, I don't see that any one of those should have been deal breakers by themselves. But aggregate? No wonder we're all here, right?
The one thing that I can see which might have tripped you up (without the benefit of willing counseling on his part) anyway is his view of the world and the introvert/extrovert observation. I say that because it would require HIM to be willing to change based on your perception and be willing to meet you half way. Hindsight. Yah, I know.
Don't underestimate your observation about his dark view of society. It's a problem with my cop friends. I tell them every so often that it's really tiring to hang around with people who expect others to disappoint them. My relationship with my dad when I was a teenager was definitely affected (negatively) by his overly exaggerated perception that 99% of the population were perps or perps in training. His distance from the day to day operations of law enforcement in retirement has done wonders for his overall attitude. He's far more inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt now. Back then? Not a snowball's chance in hell.
And the introvert/extrovert thing is something that requires compromise. Active compromise. I'm definitely an extrovert. But I find that in the past 7-8 years, I've embraced the introvert in me. My job takes care of a lot of the extroverted manifestations - donning a sales hat gives me access to new people, new ideas, the possibility of meeting them in person (traveling), and new conversations - and all of those things satisfy my extroverted need to connect. What used to be an appetizer for my personal life now exhausts me. So I spend my weekends holing up and staying close to my family or pursuing solo projects like painting furniture or making facial creams and scrubs. It's therapeutic to me, and I need it to recharge. Otherwise, I'm depressed and fatigued.
Maybe it's more about what is happening in my life (losing people to death) and my age (50+ has me steady in a state of evaluating what's worthwhile to me and what needs to go) and my attention to my own needs? I honestly don't know.
My next relationship will be with someone who accepts that I need this, and while I'm more than willing to compromise on doing more social things on the weekend, he'll simply have to let me have a day to devote to my own interests and needs. I don't know if I'd have had this chance in my marriage either. My XH is probably one of the most social people I know now. Kind of funny, since he was the one who ignored his friends when we were married. His Norwegian work ethic requires him to be productive at home when he's not doing stuff with friends. I respect it. But I just can't live with it anymore. It was the source of a lot of resentment for me (and him too) back then. I'd like to think it wouldn't be now, but who knows?
Getting back to you... just doing this kind of post mortem is healthy and will help you keep track of some of the things that might come up in the future. And a word to the wise (you ARE wise): maybe you'll find out that some of these things are deal breakers to you. It's good to know as you experience life and new relationships.
FTR, I think his notion that working on your marriage in Iowa is total BS. BUT... it's also telling. This mirrors my own experience. While we didn't move out of state, we moved out of the house we had built for us and customized to meet my request to 1) change school districts for our special needs child; and 2) to be closer to our jobs. I found out much, much later that he literally hated me for doing this, although like you, he always said he was 100% in. My mom wondered right after we separated, "do you think if you had stayed in your other house he might not have chosen this path?" I brushed it off until he actually fessed up years later. And like you, he never sat down with me and discussed pros and cons. But let me tell you the happy ending to that story. Our D21 played varsity volleyball all 4 years at the behemoth school with the good reputation. He was incredibly proud of her talents and intelligence that this school "exploits". He still is. And he has told me on more than one occasion that he's glad we moved to our school district for the girls. So scratch your head on that one.
Anyhoo, I'm pulling for you, r. You're a good egg.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
