where do I begin?

[Painter]

I feel like I don't know how to put the bad memories side. The things he said, I don't know how to understand WHY he said things if he didn't mean it.

I know I still love him. I guess my problem is I am still trying to understand WHY the affair happened broken down into individual actions.
I think I have a hard time comprehending addiction and know that I have read addicts will lie, cheat, steal, do all kinds of crazy things for their addiction but do they really believe the lies they tell?

I have a hard time accepting that my H (in his mind) saw OW as this wonderful mother, GREAT person and overall had very few flaws. All while viewing me VERY negatively. And some of the things he viewed me negatively for she did and he was ok with. For example smoking, I would smoke randomly when I was stressed (NOT while pregnant) and OW smokes every day (She is pregnant now and I saw her smoking while driving)....

It's just torture to think about those kinds of things.

I guess I just want to find a way to make sure this doesn't happen again but I don't know how.

This is such a struggle! I felt like H was possessed by an alien when he was in the A, he treated me coldly, like he had absolutely no feelings for me, and devalued everything we had together. My jaw had rug burns from all the time spent on the floor after hearing his statements and realizing what he did.

For me, the best way to deal with things is to analyze and try to understand from a psychological POV. What most likely happened in my sitch, is that H's needs were not met, and instead of maturely presenting his needs and suggest MC or another way of growing in the relationship together, he reached out to get his needs gratified by someone else without too much effort. Which is easy in a new relationships, because they are so focused on pleasing the other person and forming a mutual admiration-club!

Any guilt he felt over having to lie to me and cheat on me in order to get what he craved, he had to defend himself against. He most likely did that through a defense mechanism called 'splitting' - where you see a person as only good or bad. I had to be seen as all bad, and OW as all good, in order for him to live with himself. That would also explain the 'different rules for different people' (in your case, the smoking). If it's consistent and across relationships, it would indicate a personality disorder. But it seems affairs can throw people into temporary insanity!

I agree that it's hard to trust that it won't happen again. I'm thinking that if we continue MC and I feel that H really changes - in his case that he starts talking about what he needs and addresses other issues - he should have different tools in the future to handle M problems. I hope. And pray.

Are the two of you in MC?